The Merteenth Year

Setting: Lindsay’s living room couch. Our friend John is here and made us homemade pizza but couldn’t commit to staying the whole time so he just pops in and out with commentary. He’ll be back.

This week’s cinematic treasure is The Thirteenth Year (1999), which is extremely memorable because it’s about a boy who doesn’t realize he’s a mermaid until he starts growing scales on his 13th birthday. It raises a lot of questions, mostly about mermaid anatomy and adoption law. Hold on to your (sea)horses!

The movie opens with a fisherman who thinks he’s caught a fish but it’s actually a mermaid trying to save her mer-baby. He catches a glimpse of her tail and will never forget it. Meanwhile, the mermaid gently disposes of her baby on some stranger's ship (for reasons that are never explained). Luckily, the ship belongs to a young couple who wanted a child anyway! One of them is Dave Coulier. They decide to keep the baby because finder’s keepers!

Hannah: Dave Coulier! Uncle Joey! Remember when he dated Alanis Morissette?

Lindsay: What? Is that true?

Hannah: I think that’s right, I should fact check that. Yep the first thing that comes up is “Dave Coulier says “You oughta know” isn’t about me.” But is it? Who would write a song about him. Like no offense, he seems nice but not like song-worthy.

Lindsay: I can’t tell what I think about him after this movie

Flash Forward 13 years and the fisherman is still borderline compulsive about this mermaid and no one believes him. We’re also obsessed and have hundreds, maybe thousands of questions about this whole situation. There’s no explanation as to why this woman had to give up her baby. The parents found this baby in the sea and didn’t take it to the doctor? Where’s the rest of the mer-population? She had to procreate with someone! How do mermaids make a baby? Are they mer-pregnant? Where do they birth from? Where’s the hole??

We see Cody, a young teen, working on a broken ship with his dad, Dave Coulier. Cody, who doesn't yet know he's a mermaid, is late for a swim meet so his human dad Dave Coulier lets him go. He runs to the ferry, misses the ferry, DIVES INTO THE WATER TO SWIM TO THE FERRY, catches the ferry, runs to pool, and makes it just in time to his diving block while undressing and gets ready to dive while still wearing his shoes.Once he’s swim-ready the meet starts with the shot of a gun and of course Cody wins.

Pause a moment to address the fact that every(?) movie has a gun.

Hannah: Every Disney movie we’ve seen so far has had a real gun. Is there a movie on earth that doesn’t have a real gun? You know what I don’t know the answer to that.

Lindsay: There is definitely an answer to that.

Hannah: Name one. Name one movie without a gun.

Lindsay: Hold on I need time! What about That Thing You Do!

Hannah: There’s no guns?

Lindsay: There’s no guns!

Hannah: But there’s soldiers. They probably have guns.

Lindsay: Oh fuck there’s a gun.

John: Ben Hur doesn’t have guns.

Hannah: Any movie that could’ve had a gun has a gun, I feel like. I mean probably not like Finding Nemo. But I don’t know they could be like shooting a fish.

Lindsay: There’s definitely something evil.

After the meet, Cody chills with his girlfriend Sam. Later, at his birthday party, she gives him a framed photo of herself as a present. This bitch is bold. They kiss but his still undiscovered mermaidness cause literal sparks between them. First signs of trouble!

Okay so we haven’t mentioned tuba boy yet but he’s pretty important. Tuba boy is a nerd and plays the tuba at swim meets. He looks like his Bar Mitzvah is literally tomorrow. One day, he falls into the pool and everyone laughs and leaves him to drown besides Cody because he’s a nice mer-boy. Cody saves him but leaves the tuba because he’s still popular and dislikes nerdy shit. After finding out he failed a math test, Cody asks Tuba for math help and Tuba agrees but only if Cody teaches him how to swim. One day, while at Tuba Boy's house, Cody notices that this kid's dad as a mermaid shrine in his office, because he's the fisherman who saw his mer-mom all those years ago!

When weird things continue to happen to Cody: scales appear on his hands, he keeps sticking to things, and is so thirsty he holds up the line at the water fountain. He finally tells his parents. As Hannah puts it, ”Mama, help moi! I have scales on m’hands!” The mom is very against doctors, and is probably an anti-vaxxer, but calls one when she sees her son stuck to the ceiling. After a brief examination, the doctor diagnoses Cody with puberty, a bad case of puberty. If only turning into a mermaid was a side-effect of puberty!

Tuba Boy, being the nerd he is, runs some tests when he notices Cody's scales and fins and diagnoses him with mermaid disease. Important note: Tuba Boy’s dad is the fisherman that sees Cody’s mermom 13 years ago. More important note, the dad and Tuba Boy are the worst paired humans in history and the dad is a psycho that has been OBSESSED with this mermaid for thirteen long years. Plus, he is bullied by two other fisherman, one of which s Scully from Brooklyn 99.

Both Tuba boy and Cody’s parents tell him to stay away from water but he has to make the Championship! John points out that every Disney movie seems to have an important sporting event looming in the distance.

John: There’s always a championship! The game’s tomorrow!

Cody defies all three people and sneaks away to the swim meet. He wins and cheers excitedly in the water, accidentally exposing his scaly fin hands. His rival sees this and chases Cody through the locker room, both wearing tiny speedos and track-jackets.

Jesse/tuba kid's dad is watching the swim meet with binoculars like a goddamn perv and also notices Cody's fins, naturally coming to the conclusion that he is a mermaid. Trouble's a brewin'!

Meanwhile, Cody flees the meet to hide his gross fish body at home. His girlfriend Sam comes over to see what's up and walks into his house to find Cody's parents trying to dry his fins away with a hair dryer. Keep in mind, she did not know he was a mer-boy up until this point. Naturally, she's shocked her and Cody go to the beach to talk it out, only they're interrupted by Cody pooping his pants. Just kidding, his tail suddenly starts to form but it sure looks like he's pooping.

Sam runs to go get help but while she's gone, the obsessive mer-hunter kidnaps Cody and holds him hostage on his boat. His mer-mom tries to save him but then she gets caught in a net and eventually Jesse, who doesn't know how to swim, jumps into the water to save them both and nearly drowns in his turtleneck. He only survives because Cody shocks him back to life with mermaid electricity.  

This man really kidnapped a teenaged boy and nearly drowned his own son he should probably go to prison. Aquatic prison.

The movie ends with Cody leaving his land family and friends to go chill with his mer-mom and learn the ways of his tale. His land-mom is very distraught at having her son swim into the depths of the ocean with a stranger.

That's literally how it ends. Aggressively unresolved. Is he still gonna go to school? Is he permanently moving to the ocean? What about Sam? Is there a warrant out for his kidnapper's arrest?