The Biggest Worm

Setting: Hannah's living room floor. She is still using her living room floor as a table but is moving soon and hopeful that she can upgrade. We are eating chipotle and drinking a big ol' bottle of Rosé

So far, all the commentary for every Disney Channel Original Movie was just us saying "This is SO weird" over and over again for 1.5 hours. But it was all just preparing us for Can of Worms. We'd never heard of this 1999 movie. You probably haven't either. It makes no sense and has almost no plot and the villain doesn't even exist until the last 15 minutes. You guys, it's really really weird.

PLOT

This little dude is standing in his backyard, shouting at the sky, and asking aliens to take him away while activating his weird alien satellite thing. Then, it flashes back two weeks. "Great" start. Mike is on the football team and so obviously not into it but his dad is a jock type (literally wearing a letterman jacket) so his son is playing for him and not for himself, or something.

Hannah: Is he gonna run to the wrong goal or some shit?
Mike: *runs the wrong way*

Mike is knocked out during the game and instead of seeing stars like a cartoon he sees spaceships and shit, which is supposed to bolster the idea that he thinks he doesn't belong on earth and is an adopted alien. So we find out that he is a nerd and a football player but prefers to be a nerd. Mike tries to tell his dad that he doesn't want to play football anymore but his dad just won't concede and tells him "You can do anything. I don't wanna hear the word 'can't'." Note: he didn't say 'I can't' he just said 'I don't want to.'

Other characters in this movie include his best friend and repeat DCOM star Gilbert from Underwraps, a young neighbor boy that looks up to Mike and loves his stories, a mean jock on his football team that doesn’t like him because he’s bad at sport, and hottie Caitlin we find out he has a crush on (and she’s the lawyer sister in Parenthood).

After school, he’s hanging in the treehouse and his sister tells him hottie caitlin is in his room. He doesn’t believe her but then the sweet neighbor kid says “why wouldn’t she be there? You’re an interesting person!” He is a grade A sweetheart and our favorite character. He runs to his room to weird music and YES! Caitlin is in his room. She’s come to ask him to help her decorate for the school dance because he’s got tech skills and pulled off a great floppy disc pig prank in computer class.

We need to mention quickly that the main character’s name is Mike PILLSBURY.

The ball is rolling on this dance preparation and the Evil football player interrupts their “setting up the dance” montage to collect Caitlin but she’s like, “Hell no. You don’t own me by Lesley Gore. I’m going to stay to listen to a story.” Okay maybe she didn’t say that but close. Mike truly overreacts in front of her but she’s still diggin’ him. During the entire montage, no teachers were present and the kids have no supervision and unlimited power in DCOM movies.

The football player breaks into the school at night obviously to ruin the dance somehow since he was so upset a girl rejected him. Talk about an overreaction.

It’s the day of the dance and Mike is putting the final touches on his light up suit vest when his parents interrupt him to teach him how to dance since they never have before. The mom is recognizable, the judge in the movie Stick It  and the dad makes a weird face then they both dance away.

We are 30 min in and there is really no reason for any of this lead up. It is taking way too long like most of the movies we have watched so far.

His halloween display goes swimmingly until the jock villains fuck it all up and it starts freaking out and wreaks havoc. It literally catches fire and Mike is sprayed with a fire extinguisher. This is when he decides he does not belong on this planet and contacts the aliens via freak satellite.

He starts a fire (again!) in his backyard while using this satellite. He should maybe be arrested? His parents are maybe too supportive, they’re not even mad he blew up the lawn and school gymnasium. I suspect arson.

Caitlin snubs Mike at school the next day because he created a great dance and also destroyed it. He heads to his tree house after school and we FINALLY have our first alien, Barnabas a golden dog with a speaker box with blue lips. Barnabas tries to warn Mike of bad aliens but Mike runs away so Barnabas yells, “trust no one but me, Mike Pillsbury,”

Up in his room, a weird alien pops out of a pipe in his ceiling and spurts green goo all over his sandwich and other belongings. Surprise, at this inopportune time Caitlin calls to apologize but it goes very poorly and Mike blames a bathroom disaster on his weird attitude but really a blob alien is popping out popcorn after eating his corn on the cob.

His friend comes over and he tried to explain alien to him but he doesn’t believe him and Lindsay is very upset saying she would definitely believe Hannah if she told her that.

Mike goes to apologize to Caitlin and we meet a new alien wearing only white calf socks and penny loafers. This alien freezes time and messes up another interaction with the hottie. The penny loafer alien explains that Mike put Earth in jeopardy because he opened up intergalactic communication and they are no longer protected by their inability to communicate with other planets/space things.

Finally his friends see the aliens and believe him and Caitlin forgives him and they find out the twist to this situation. So basically, there's some evil person trying to find the perfect human specimen for his weird alien zoo and Mike lures the mean jock to his backyard so the alien can snatch him up but then they have to climb through the portal to save him. It doesn't really make sense, like at all. It's fine.

The young neighbor boy in involved somehow and gets taken too so Mike and Caitlin and his friend are all in a different planet zoo with 15 min left in the movie. While wandering the zoo we meet the ultimate villain, a human shape shifted into an alien and they somehow save their friends and another alien species Mike is aware of and feel affection for and maybe thinks is his real family.

They make it back to Earth and so does villain but somehow they get the villain back off of Earth and Mike decides he does belong on Earth and there is a scene of him enjoying football. He sadly says goodbye to Barnabas the alien that speaks through a box attached to a dog and Mike is back to his normal junior high life.

Side Notes

• Oh man he has a tree house!
• His friend is the same dweeb friend from "Under Wraps" only now he's a bonafide tween with terrible character
• Lindsay twists the bottle as she pours wine because she's Luxury
• Does mike have actual mental issues? Schizophrenia perhaps?
• "Disney movies are sponsored by milk. They're always drinking milk. I hate milk. Down with milk." - Hannah
• WHAT IS THE MOM IN THIS MOVIE FROM (She's just a judge from stick it) it takes us 10 minutes to figure out.
• Mike is young mulder. This movie is prequel to X-Files.
• “Why does Disney have so much dusty shit?”- Lindsay
• Mike is dateable
• These movies have long intros. Prequels
• Children in disney movies/shows really have free reign over organizing dances and their schools have weird dances
• Weird goop alien looks like Wallace Shawn
• Lindsay: He’s done Beige City a lot this movie.
  Hannah: He is beige NATION. Is this movie sponsored by beige? It’s like those commercials for cotton.
• “You can tell he’s an alien because he has way too much bottom gum. That’s the only reason.”- Lindsay
• When Mike tells Caitlin he's leaving for another planet, Hannah makes a hawk-like sound. She claims "In that moment, I was a hawk." It's so shocking that we had to go back and listen to our recording to hear it again, only it took us a long time because we were talking about Shawn Hunter from Boy Meets World and kept missing it. We <3 Shawn.
• Remember that episode of Boy Meets World where this girl in Shawn's trailer park is getting beat by her dad and Shawn takes her to Cory's house to be safe?
• Rider Strong (Shawn) has an infant son named Indigo. INDIGO STRONG.
• He's still a heartthrob, in case you were wondering!
• The intergalactic police literally look exactly like the grinch. Like pretty sure this is the actual costume they used in the grinch.
• Hannah: What was the name of that camp movie?
  Lindsay: Camp Bowow
  Hannah: Camp Sing Along or something?
  Lindsay: Camp Jonas
  Hannah: Ugh what was it? Camp Toodly Toddle?
  Both: CAMP ROCK
• If Trader Joe's in Pennsylvania sold two buck chuck, we would drink it every day of our lives. It would be cheaper than water. Sure we'd have wine-stained teeth and wouldn't be able to drive but it's $2!
• Towards the end, Hannah loses her goddamn mind because she comes up with Alien: The Town which is a version of The Town starring Ben Affleck but with aliens.

Stay tuned for more information about Alien: The Town.