Get a Clue, nerd!

Setting: Hannah’s couch some fine day after her last college assignment. Windows were closed because POLLEN IS A KILLER. There were snacks but more importantly there was Sage liquor.

Lindsay Lohan plays the heroine in Get A Clue, and boy does she do it in good fashion. This movie aggressively succeeds in the fashion and teen bedroom departments. Lindsay's character Lexy Gold has a giant shoe chair (?) and a fuzzy frame around her computer (???) and an insane software that helps her choose her outfit. So many Tiger Beat posters.

She's also facetiming Brenda Song aka Jen but this is like 2002 so there's no facetime and New York is still reeling from 9/11. Omg they were probably filming this in 2001. Where was Lidnsay Lohan on 9/11. (Shout out to the fact that Dana Carvey had to stop filming the Turtle Scene in Master of Disguise on 9/11 for a moment of silence)

The kids are in middle school but they work in a newsroom that is equivalent to the movie Spotlight. Their Newsroom looks exactly like that of the Yale Daily News in Gilmore Girls! We know this is a rich school but like, WHAAAA?

Speaking of rich schools, this movie has some class tension because the boy (Jack) is on scholarship and lives in Brooklyn but she is rich and lives in Manhattan with all the other students including her BFF Brenda Song/Jen. Also Brenda Song deserved/deserves way more lead roles what the heck.

There is a nerdy little sister. The younger siblings are always very unimportant. But they are also always socialists??

Lexy's mom leaves early in the movie but promises they can go shopping on Madison Ave. when she returns. We never see her again. Disney hates moms.

"Can this Boston bitch leave this young journalist alone?"-Hannah about Jack aka baby Matt Damon, who's from Brooklyn but talks like Michael Keaton in Spotlight. He's a ~serious~ journalist and thinks Lexy's "human interest shenanigans" are useless. He's prob a Bernie Bro. (BERBIE!!) (A Berbie is a Bernie Sanders barbie doll).

WORM ELLEN DEGENERES! This is what we call the lady teacher, who has a semi-scandalous-relationship with missing teacher Mr. Walker. This is mean but the lady teacher really looks like a worm Ellen Degeneres. Don't know her real name.

The whole school is freaking out about Lexy's article, which ran first in the school paper and then in the local paper (without her knowledge??) Also the article was about two of her teachers having an affair?? V inappropriate. Like the teachers' relationship was fine but her reporting was inapprop especially when her newspaper teacher made everyone including Matt Damon boy give a speech congratulating her. To be fair he's her editor but to not be fair, what??

Is there a DCOM instragram for outfits? We should start one but probably won't. Someone else do it and we'll plug you. You can have our screenshots.

A teen journalist (Lexy) just  said "There just aren't enough hours in a day." Try being a real journalist in 2017 bitch!! #Americanheroes

Lexy is a hybrid Carrie Bradshaw/Olivia Benson/Nora Ephron/Lizzie Mcguire. She's smart, witty, and got her pulse on the news. And fights for justice. And has tiny purses.

Lexy's cherry pants outfit is iconic and up there with the My Date with the President's Daughter dress. Other notable outfits include the entire gang's black trench coats/sunglasses/spy gear.

We learn Lexy's never been on the subway! She a turd. Jack maybe also has Mark Ruffalo's voice in Spotlight. They're a perfect pair. Opposites attract. We just watched a clip of Michael Keaton saying "spotlight" 14 times because it's so funny and also always funny when someone does an impression of Michael Keaton saying "spotlight."

*Chip crunches*

Lindsay: They are so spy right now"

They are spying on the worm Degeneres teacher through her window like some goddamn weirdos and Jen sees her doing a workout video and says "oh i love this one!" and starts doing it also.

Hannah: Jack looks like Ben Shapiro from Hebrew school I think that was his name but not sure

Jack likes to bowl? He has trophies. They're in his room, he's wearing a Navy shirt, they're working on a school project aka spying on their teachers aka makin' out aka hehe. Jack says "this is impossible..I have an email. How does a dead man send an email"

Lindsay Lohan shoulder freckle? Not sure what this note means but her freckles are cute and that would maybe be a good band name.

We can't wait for the moment when Lexy Lohan gets handcuffed to the steaming thing and Jack saves her. You know the moment. She has a heart bracelet! From Tiffany's.

They're in a hotel spying on their teachers because this is the climax or whatever and for some reason every teacher and faculty member they know is also there and also some city councilman reveals he was pretending to be a homeless man all week? I don't know or understand it doesn't matter.

Anyway Mr. Walker was framed because he was once a slimy banker and blah blah whatever literally no one gives a single shit. Disney movies always have weird IRS plots (see Underwraps). But this pretweens solved it and their hormones didn't even get in the way.

This whole thing, which happens in one week, was also career week and at the end of it all worm Degeneres asks Lexy to be one of the career week speakers!!! Even though Lexy outed her and almost got her lover killed??

Lindsay: "Five fast facts you need to know about Bug Hall"

Hannah: That's a sentence I will never hear again.

[Bug Hall is the name of the actor who plays Jack!]

Get a Clue is determined to destroy my computer. First while recapping, my computer crashed and I had to take it to genius bar! The day before my graduation woah. Also while researching Bug Hall's marital status my keyboard froze! Also, what is Bug Hall's marital status? Confusing that's what it is.

In other Bug Hall news, he was in a motorcycle accident once. Also, he's been in 7 OTHER MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENTS. Get your shit together Bug! And we think he's been married twice in 5 years. What a mess.

In conclusion, we love bad acting and good outfits. #dcoms4life #cherrypants #spotlight #bughall

The Ultimate Christmas Present: The Ultimate Environmental Crisis

Setting: Lindsay's couch, eating corn chips. John made us a single Tiki cocktail because he is very into Tiki cocktails right now but only had enough ingredients for one drink.

In honor of the holiday season, we skipped ahead two years (so like, 15 DCOMS) so we could watch The Ultimate Christmas Present. You know, that movie where the girl steals a snow machine from santa and nearly causes an environmental catastrophe? It has the mom from Lizzie McGuire! And tiny Brenda Song! Also Peter Scolari.

So this lil' tween (we're talking HARDCORE tween) named Allie (is that even her name) is three days away from Christmas break and cannot wait, especially when she realizes she forgot about a five page paper due the next day. After school, her and her bff Samantha (is that even her name) take a shortcut home, get lost, and stumble upon a log cabin in the middle of the woods. The disgruntled old man (Santa, obviously) inside gets frustrated and throws a little robot into the trash and Allie, not giving a single shit, goes to steal it. She takes it home to hide it and we get a glimpse into yet another teen bedroom.

Lindsay (a literal florist): Her room is one of the most insane we've seen so far. She has a flower box in her window. I'm like, who takes care of that? I don't even take care of that and I'm an adult who really likes plants.

Hannah: You? I've literally never seen you water a plant before.

Lindsay: What? That's can't be right. I water them literally all the time.

Hannah: Are you serious? Of course I have! I've never seen you not watering your plants.

To set the scene of this girl's "chaotic" home life: her mom (who is also Lizzie McGuire's mom) as a small catering business that is very busy, her little brother is a straight up turd on wheels (Heely's probably), and her Dad does some vague thing where he has to go to San Francisco. Spoiler alert: The moral of this movie is to not be so busy that you don't hang out with your family. More on that later though…

Obviously, Allie and Samantha test out this weather machine in her bedroom and make thunderstorms and earthquakes (just accept it and move on). They turn it on the snow setting and leave it in the damn flower box so it'll snow and school will be cancelled and she won't have to do her paper. A real, honest to god scammer.

So we start to notice that they're spending an awfully long amount of time on this random ass weatherman who really sucks at his job. We find out it's because he's frustrated with having to deliver the same weather every day in sunny Los Angeles and is hungry for a challenge! He decides that he, a lowly local meteorologist is gonna discover how LA has developed an impossible snowstorm.

Cut to the North Pole, Mrs. Clause is at her desk when Santa frantically calls about his stolen weather machine. They call each other mama and papa. We vomit onto the hardwood floor. Mrs. Clause calls in some elves who are, without explanation, very tall. Like not just regular human height, but extra tall. These elves, let's call them A and B because it really doesn't matter, bring up plans to modernize the North Pole, build factories to make the toys, and convert elves to telemarketing. It makes no sense. They want to destroy their own jobs? They are the opposite of coal country. This also has literally nothing to do with the rest of the movie.

Any Mrs. Clause sends A and B to California to help her idiot husband find the weather machine so he can be back in time to deliver presents.

Santa, deducing some shit from a footprint left in the snow, determines the culprit must be a young girl so he pulls out a list of "Los Angeles naughty girls." That is a direct quotes. Now comes a montage of all the "naughty girls" in Los Angeles who eat too many cookies, throw snowballs at their step moms, etc.

Back in Allie's world, the snow has..snowballed and school is cancelled but so is her father's flight home! Because it's snowing in San Francisco! It's fine. Lizzie McGuire mom is still pretending she can make her catering business work in this catastrophe and is busy prepping a big ass turkey.

Hannah: Seeing that raw turkey reminds of that scene in Even Stevens where Louis wishes he was never born and then sees his family without him dancing with a turkey. Do you remember that?

Lindsay: Oh damn! Now I do.

Hannah: It's one of the only things I remember about that show. What was the plot even?

Lindsay: Just, this goofy kid and his smart older sister? And Beans.

Hannah: Do you remember last year when people found photos of him working as a Christmas elf and it was terrible?

Lindsay: Have you ever seen that photo of him and Hillary next to each other and they look the same?

Finally, Santa confronts Allie and Samantha, but they don't believe he's the real deal! So he reveals secrets from their file that only Santa would know cause he's a damn perv. Samantha's secret is that she dances alone to Ricky Martin. Allie's secret is that she's very distressed that her family is too busy to spend enough time together. Now, this is a middle class suburban white family with literally no problems. They spend a LOT of time together. Like most of this movie is them spending time together. Oh, Allie, just wait til you get a nose piercing and your little brother hides a bong under his bed, then see how much time you spend together!

In another scene, Allie is talking to Samantha about how sad it is that her dad won't spend Christmas with them, and it is then revealed that Samantha's dad has been dead for years and Christmas was his favorite holiday so now Allie's a real asshole. Also, she gets one wish from Santa and uses it to bring her dad home, not help her friend have a not sad Christmas.

The director who did Ultimate Christmas Present also did Underwraps and Brink! We are prestigious and snobby film critics. We know all the directors. Wes Anderson who?

Don't Look Under the Bed (It's dusty down there)

Setting: Lindsay's couch. By the way, Lindsay is on the hunt for a new couch so if you find one that screams "I'm never leaving the couch" let her know! We ate a kind of squash that is supposed to be the best squash but Hannah is unconvinced.

This week's film is Don't Look Under the Bed, because it's October, and also because it was next on the list. We had a loose memory of this movie being terrifying as a child, which is valid because Wikipedia describes this movie as "Disney Channel's second and final attempt at a horror film." This movie's got puberty, imaginary friends, dogs on roofs, and some surprise racist undertones! Let's get into it.

"Don't look under the bed! I still don't look under the bed it's dusty down there!" - Hannah

The protagonist of this movie is 15 year old Frances, and she's got two brothers, younger Darwin and older Bert. We'll just tell you right off that bat that there's a third tier plot about how Darwin had cancer and his brother gave him a bone marrow transplant. Talk about horror! I mean, who names their kid Darwin? We get it you studied evolution once.

Hannah: Kids in movies are always like "nothing ever happens here!" But like no shit, you're 11 years old you don't know what the fuck is up. Like if there was a prostitution ring next door you would have no idea.

Lindsay: Yea you're completely oblivious.

Hannah: You wouldn't know anything! When you're 11 something happening is like, the trash can falls over.

Lindsay: Oooh spooky! The trash can falls over!

Right from the get-go, weird shit starts happening in Middleburg. On her way to school, Frances, child version of Agent Dana Scully, notices that there are a bunch of dogs on roofs (there is a dog actor in EVERY DCOM). Like, a dog on top of every roof in her neighborhood and no one knows how they got there. Then, at school, someone drops like 500 cartons of eggs on her teacher's open convertible. In addition, she makes friends with a black kid, Larry, who she has yet to realize is imaginary. He’s wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses, kinda looks like some Tyler the Creator outfit inspo.

Odd pranks continue throughout Middleburg including a jello swimming pool (barf), alarm clock mix up (eh, okay), graffiti (typical), town power outage (uh-oh), christmas light display (so much effort) and a planted secret [photo]. So far, this movie is riddled with weird angles and slimey boogey person hand shots.

The town begins to suspect mass hypnosis as the culprit, then begins to question Frances. Her parents worry they made the wrong decision in letting Frances skip a grade and she is having a mental breakdown. Frances foolishly tries to explain her imaginary friend, Larry to the adults but since they cannot see him, they question her sanity, as are we. This girl may be legit crazy. JK Mental illness is no joke #TalkAboutIt.

Larry continues to be an extremely animated character, appearing in a cowboy outfit, karate outfit, any really any little boy's halloween costume ideas. Speaking of Darwin, we find out Francis is torn apart inside because when her little brother had cancer, she wasn't able to donate her bone marrow and it's really tearin' her up inside.

BOO! John pops in to give us a real startle and shakes things up a bit and we “snap back to reality” but after dancing like a weirdo all over the place, he retreats back to his room and we get back to pressing business.

Desperate Frances stomps off to find Larry. He's playing basketball in a park, and then climbs on monkey bars, like a monkey. It's all very racially unsettling.

But Larry knows that the town "prankster" is actually a boogeyman trying to frame Frances, so he takes her to a library to check out a dusty 'ol boogeybook (Disney’s favorite prop) so they can defeat a boogeyman with special boogeydefenses. In the library, we find out that toddlers can also see Larry since they are innocent and imaginative children who have yet to be jaded by the harsh cruel world. Basically like in The Polar Express when only children can hear the bell. Anyways, Frances is having a hard time believing Larry since she tried to prove everything through logic (again, child Agent Dana Scully) but is growing desperate and checks out the boogeybook from the library.

Eventually, we find out that Larry is Darwin’s former imaginary friend but because of his medical crisis, Frances convinced him to stop believing. What? I don't know just accept it and move on. Then...dun dun dun...during her boogeyresearch, Frances finds out that an imaginary friend will turn into a boogeyman when the human stops believing too soon. Uh-oh, can you guess what that means? Larry is turning into a boogeyman!

Larry cooks up some boogeyjuice to lure the boogeyman who's been taunting the town. In addition, Larry loves the taste of the boogeyjuice, signalling his transformation into boogeyman. Next thing we know, Darwin is scooped up by the boogeyman and taken into the boogeyworld that exists under Frances’ bed. There we go! The connection to the title. Also, this is the exact plot of Stranger Things.

At this point, Lindsay beckons John back into the living room to tell the story of his friend’s step-dad, also named Darwin, who toasts a whole loaf's worth of bread slices, then puts it back into the bag to eat during the week. PRE-MADE TOAST?! That’s fucking creepy. Toast takes two seconds to make.

Halfway-to-boogeyman Larry dives into the boogeyworld to defeat the other, more evil boogeyman and save Darwin. Frances refuses to stay behind, sparking more emotions because of the whole bone marrow plot. It's really too much.

Lindsay: I have so many boogies in my nose all the time

Hannah: All the time.

Lindsay: All the time!

Hannah: All the time.

Lindsay: I have boogies in my nose now, I should just pick them now.

Hannah: Pick. Them. Now. Girl.

They find the boogeyman dragging Darwin in a sack. While trying to attack the boogeyman, Larry’s vacuum boogeypack unplugs and won’t work! The boogeyman verrrrrrrrry slooooooooowly hovers over towards Frances but things happen and Larry is back in action and defeats him. The boogeyman turns into an old lady and then a young girl, Benjamin Button style.

Surprise! The boogeyman is a girl! She’s a boogeyperson! And she wants everyone to know it, correcting everyone when they say boogeyman. Thanks Disney for equality! Gender is a social construct.

It is now confusingly revealed that the boogeyman is Frances’ old imaginary friend from when she was younger. They hold each other longingly until Larry and new imaginary friend decide to set off on an adventure to defeat more boogeypersons in other towns! But wait, it’s not over yet. Just as we suspected. Larry does have a crush on Frances. He gives her a rather long kiss before marching off. This is Disney’s first official kiss and it’s interracial. Makes up for the racist undertones earlier? Not so sure.

So there you have it, Disney’s second and final try at a horror film.

"I couldn’t tell me the moral of this if you paid me $1,000. Over even $2,000, maybe $3,000” - Hannah

Johnny Avalanche

Setting: Hannah’s new living room with hot wine. We're full of mango curry we just ate. Micaela is tired and hanging out but not participating. Instead she is a reading a book about witches from Hannah's coffee table.

Without much investigation or planning, we stumble into Johnny Tsunami for our next DCOM. Unfortunately, this movie has to follow the truly stellar Zenon. We have mediocre hopes because it's directed by a former stunt performer. We recap in Hannah’s room while she gets ready for a tinder date Lindsay pressured her to go on.

The movie opens in sunny Hawaii at a youth surf competition.

Lindsay declares "I think I might need to go to Hawaii for some indoor wicker furniture."

Our main star, Johnny Kapahala (GOOD name), surfs through an extreme wave tunnel and comes out triumphant, even though the ocean is a terrifying place, and wins the competition. His grandfather, Johnny Tsunami, is a Hawaiian surfing legend and is there to cheer him on, but his actual father is nowhere to be seen. When Johnny gets home, his father apologizes for missing the competition because he was working, but tries to show his Johnny the computer program he was working on. Awh! Father son moment! He's working on a program that tells you how much money different occupations make (Google?) As an example, he shows Johnny that professional surfers only make $27,000 a year and lectures him about working towards a different career to support his future family. Father son moment hijacked! Also, seems like $27,000 isn't that bad for living in Hawaii in the 1990s.

Sidenote: Grandpa Tsunami looks young. Like remarkably young. Like he could be 50 years old? We come to the conclusion that we're just used to seeing white people who age horribly, even though we're the ones who try the hardest to stay young. Related: This is the first non-white protagonist we've seen!

Hannah: White people age horribly. So bad.

Lindsay: So bad.

Hannah: So bad!

Lindsay: Really bad. And I feel like we're the people that try the hardest to not age the most.

Hannah: Because we need to try harder because we're bad at it.

One time Lindsay went surfing while visiting her sister but didn't have a wetsuit so she had to borrow one from her brother-in-law's friend. It was way too big and got filled with water, making Lindsay look like the Michelin man. Tragically, there aren't any photos.

Anyway, Johnny's parents announce to him that they are moving from the home he loves in Hawaii to the freezing and snowy Vermont. VERMONT. That's insanely far away from Hawaii, both literally and metaphorically. These parents really sprung it on him the week before.

Johnny gets to/has to attend a fancy-ass Vermont private school because that's where his dad works now. He quickly makes friends/develops a crush on a cute blonde lass named Emily who is played by the same girl who played ZENON. What! This is a downgrade! She went from playing a badass heroine who saves her space station to a meek private schoolgirl who is okay at skiing.

Oh yeah, everyone at their school skis! Unlike the garbage public school kids, who snowboard. No joke, there's a huge rivalry between the skiiers and snowboarders, which makes no sense since both are very similar snow sports that require a lot of equipment and access. Vermont sounds horrible. Do you think Bernie Sanders saw this movie? He probably did and got angry about the class differences.

Cool Kid Johnny, who wears a Hawaiian shirt under his school uniform like a fucking badass and makes friends with a public school kid! This kid is played by Lee Thompson Young who unfortunately committed suicide a few years ago! Actually very sad. Oh god.

On a lighter note, we have some thoughts on the name Johnny.

Hannah: There has literally never been a Johnny that wasn’t cool. Someone should write an essay about this. What is the root.

Lindsay: You are the only person in an essay writing setting like school so you should.

Hannah: I don't mean me I just mean someone in the world.

Lindsay: One time on your roof last year the name Johnny came up because we were taking a picture against a brick wall.

Hannah: Because if you’re standing against a brick wall your name in Johnny.

Lindsay: Yea include that in your essay.

Hannah: Johnny Kapahala's got game just like every Johnny ever.

Hannah's still trying to figure out what to wear. Lindsay offers the literal shirt off her back because it's all she has to offer. But, Hannah needs to acquire a long sleeved mesh shirt for future dates but more importantly daily life. Need to channel Lily Tomlin from Grace and Frankie.

Sam and Johnny’s friendship blossoms over snowboard sessions. Johnny even meets Sam’s dad, a military man and the reason Sam moves around so much. Meanwhile, relations between Johnny and Zenon falter because she just doesn’t get him, “Why do you snowboard?” Plus her dad is the headmaster of their snooty private school. Related: Why do all headmasters have a transatlantic accent?

Plot twist!! During a snowboard sesh, Zenon shows up and all three of them hit the slopes! The next unnecessary ten minutes include Zenon falling off a cliff and hanging on for her dear life. Sam jumps down to unhook her snowboard, then he too ends up hanging off a cliff. Johnny Zips down the hill to get some help. Then, Johnny and a ski patrol person pulling the two teens up over the ledge. The whole school is in an uproar over this event and hates snowboarders and Johnny even more than they already do.

The two outcasts, Johnny and Sam, decide to leave shitty Vermont and live with the cool/young grandfather in Hawaii. These boys somehow were able to afford this $1,368 flight (based off of a Google search, not adjusted for inflation). Once in Hawaii, Johnny blows off his local friends for Sam so he can help teach him how to surf. The boys have a great time but of course their hearts lie with their immediate parents and they travel back to chilly Vermont. One flight might've been possible but TWO flights each between Vermont and Hawaii?? Pure fantasy.

Joke’s on Dad Kapahala because spunky grandfather travelled back with them! We're really into this Grandpa.

Hannah: Acceptable sugar daddies: Jeff Bridges, Harrison Ford, Smokey Robinson. We didn’t even say that earlier I just added it. Obsessed with this grandpa.

Lindsay: OBSESSED! Suga Daddayy!

Back on the slopes, Johnny and grandfather are taunted by the academy kids, “who’s the freak?” Prompting the grandfather to challenge the main bully to a competition for something called a Johnny Tsunami Medal (which was literally never mentioned until now) and general acceptance of snowboarding and the associated lower class on the slopes. We have decided this movie is about classism and segregation. Even though the two classes are just Very wealthy and Regular Wealthy.

Anyways, the snowboarders win! Dad Kapahala has turned slightly more human by accepting his surfing father, encouraging his son instead of demoralizing him, and throwing an impromptu Hawaiian themed victory party in their backyard. Reminder, it is very cold in Vermont.

Concluding thoughts: We wanted to like this movie but it kinda made no sense. Why would they go back to vermont? Are snowboarding and surfing really related at all? Why do teens in movies bully old people? Where did Zenon go?? WHY is this movie named after the grandpa and not the protagonist??? Skis are just snowboards cut in half.

In fairness, this movie ends with "The Way" by Fastball, which is a true jam.

3/10. Borderline fine. Both the movie and the date.