Setting: Hannah’s new living room with hot wine. We're full of mango curry we just ate. Micaela is tired and hanging out but not participating. Instead she is a reading a book about witches from Hannah's coffee table.
Without much investigation or planning, we stumble into Johnny Tsunami for our next DCOM. Unfortunately, this movie has to follow the truly stellar Zenon. We have mediocre hopes because it's directed by a former stunt performer. We recap in Hannah’s room while she gets ready for a tinder date Lindsay pressured her to go on.
The movie opens in sunny Hawaii at a youth surf competition.
Lindsay declares "I think I might need to go to Hawaii for some indoor wicker furniture."
Our main star, Johnny Kapahala (GOOD name), surfs through an extreme wave tunnel and comes out triumphant, even though the ocean is a terrifying place, and wins the competition. His grandfather, Johnny Tsunami, is a Hawaiian surfing legend and is there to cheer him on, but his actual father is nowhere to be seen. When Johnny gets home, his father apologizes for missing the competition because he was working, but tries to show his Johnny the computer program he was working on. Awh! Father son moment! He's working on a program that tells you how much money different occupations make (Google?) As an example, he shows Johnny that professional surfers only make $27,000 a year and lectures him about working towards a different career to support his future family. Father son moment hijacked! Also, seems like $27,000 isn't that bad for living in Hawaii in the 1990s.
Sidenote: Grandpa Tsunami looks young. Like remarkably young. Like he could be 50 years old? We come to the conclusion that we're just used to seeing white people who age horribly, even though we're the ones who try the hardest to stay young. Related: This is the first non-white protagonist we've seen!
Hannah: White people age horribly. So bad.
Lindsay: So bad.
Hannah: So bad!
Lindsay: Really bad. And I feel like we're the people that try the hardest to not age the most.
Hannah: Because we need to try harder because we're bad at it.
One time Lindsay went surfing while visiting her sister but didn't have a wetsuit so she had to borrow one from her brother-in-law's friend. It was way too big and got filled with water, making Lindsay look like the Michelin man. Tragically, there aren't any photos.
Anyway, Johnny's parents announce to him that they are moving from the home he loves in Hawaii to the freezing and snowy Vermont. VERMONT. That's insanely far away from Hawaii, both literally and metaphorically. These parents really sprung it on him the week before.
Johnny gets to/has to attend a fancy-ass Vermont private school because that's where his dad works now. He quickly makes friends/develops a crush on a cute blonde lass named Emily who is played by the same girl who played ZENON. What! This is a downgrade! She went from playing a badass heroine who saves her space station to a meek private schoolgirl who is okay at skiing.
Oh yeah, everyone at their school skis! Unlike the garbage public school kids, who snowboard. No joke, there's a huge rivalry between the skiiers and snowboarders, which makes no sense since both are very similar snow sports that require a lot of equipment and access. Vermont sounds horrible. Do you think Bernie Sanders saw this movie? He probably did and got angry about the class differences.
Cool Kid Johnny, who wears a Hawaiian shirt under his school uniform like a fucking badass and makes friends with a public school kid! This kid is played by Lee Thompson Young who unfortunately committed suicide a few years ago! Actually very sad. Oh god.
Hannah: There has literally never been a Johnny that wasn’t cool. Someone should write an essay about this. What is the root.
Lindsay: You are the only person in an essay writing setting like school so you should.
Hannah: I don't mean me I just mean someone in the world.
Lindsay: One time on your roof last year the name Johnny came up because we were taking a picture against a brick wall.
Hannah: Because if you’re standing against a brick wall your name in Johnny.
Lindsay: Yea include that in your essay.
Hannah: Johnny Kapahala's got game just like every Johnny ever.
Hannah's still trying to figure out what to wear. Lindsay offers the literal shirt off her back because it's all she has to offer. But, Hannah needs to acquire a long sleeved mesh shirt for future dates but more importantly daily life. Need to channel Lily Tomlin from Grace and Frankie.
Sam and Johnny’s friendship blossoms over snowboard sessions. Johnny even meets Sam’s dad, a military man and the reason Sam moves around so much. Meanwhile, relations between Johnny and Zenon falter because she just doesn’t get him, “Why do you snowboard?” Plus her dad is the headmaster of their snooty private school. Related: Why do all headmasters have a transatlantic accent?
Plot twist!! During a snowboard sesh, Zenon shows up and all three of them hit the slopes! The next unnecessary ten minutes include Zenon falling off a cliff and hanging on for her dear life. Sam jumps down to unhook her snowboard, then he too ends up hanging off a cliff. Johnny Zips down the hill to get some help. Then, Johnny and a ski patrol person pulling the two teens up over the ledge. The whole school is in an uproar over this event and hates snowboarders and Johnny even more than they already do.
The two outcasts, Johnny and Sam, decide to leave shitty Vermont and live with the cool/young grandfather in Hawaii. These boys somehow were able to afford this $1,368 flight (based off of a Google search, not adjusted for inflation). Once in Hawaii, Johnny blows off his local friends for Sam so he can help teach him how to surf. The boys have a great time but of course their hearts lie with their immediate parents and they travel back to chilly Vermont. One flight might've been possible but TWO flights each between Vermont and Hawaii?? Pure fantasy.
Joke’s on Dad Kapahala because spunky grandfather travelled back with them! We're really into this Grandpa.
Hannah: Acceptable sugar daddies: Jeff Bridges, Harrison Ford, Smokey Robinson. We didn’t even say that earlier I just added it. Obsessed with this grandpa.
Lindsay: OBSESSED! Suga Daddayy!
Back on the slopes, Johnny and grandfather are taunted by the academy kids, “who’s the freak?” Prompting the grandfather to challenge the main bully to a competition for something called a Johnny Tsunami Medal (which was literally never mentioned until now) and general acceptance of snowboarding and the associated lower class on the slopes. We have decided this movie is about classism and segregation. Even though the two classes are just Very wealthy and Regular Wealthy.
Anyways, the snowboarders win! Dad Kapahala has turned slightly more human by accepting his surfing father, encouraging his son instead of demoralizing him, and throwing an impromptu Hawaiian themed victory party in their backyard. Reminder, it is very cold in Vermont.
Concluding thoughts: We wanted to like this movie but it kinda made no sense. Why would they go back to vermont? Are snowboarding and surfing really related at all? Why do teens in movies bully old people? Where did Zenon go?? WHY is this movie named after the grandpa and not the protagonist??? Skis are just snowboards cut in half.
In fairness, this movie ends with "The Way" by Fastball, which is a true jam.
3/10. Borderline fine. Both the movie and the date.
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