Setting: Lindsay's couch, eating corn chips. John made us a single Tiki cocktail because he is very into Tiki cocktails right now but only had enough ingredients for one drink.
In honor of the holiday season, we skipped ahead two years (so like, 15 DCOMS) so we could watch The Ultimate Christmas Present. You know, that movie where the girl steals a snow machine from santa and nearly causes an environmental catastrophe? It has the mom from Lizzie McGuire! And tiny Brenda Song! Also Peter Scolari.
So this lil' tween (we're talking HARDCORE tween) named Allie (is that even her name) is three days away from Christmas break and cannot wait, especially when she realizes she forgot about a five page paper due the next day. After school, her and her bff Samantha (is that even her name) take a shortcut home, get lost, and stumble upon a log cabin in the middle of the woods. The disgruntled old man (Santa, obviously) inside gets frustrated and throws a little robot into the trash and Allie, not giving a single shit, goes to steal it. She takes it home to hide it and we get a glimpse into yet another teen bedroom.
Lindsay (a literal florist): Her room is one of the most insane we've seen so far. She has a flower box in her window. I'm like, who takes care of that? I don't even take care of that and I'm an adult who really likes plants.
Hannah: You? I've literally never seen you water a plant before.
Lindsay: What? That's can't be right. I water them literally all the time.
Hannah: Are you serious? Of course I have! I've never seen you not watering your plants.
To set the scene of this girl's "chaotic" home life: her mom (who is also Lizzie McGuire's mom) as a small catering business that is very busy, her little brother is a straight up turd on wheels (Heely's probably), and her Dad does some vague thing where he has to go to San Francisco. Spoiler alert: The moral of this movie is to not be so busy that you don't hang out with your family. More on that later though…
Obviously, Allie and Samantha test out this weather machine in her bedroom and make thunderstorms and earthquakes (just accept it and move on). They turn it on the snow setting and leave it in the damn flower box so it'll snow and school will be cancelled and she won't have to do her paper. A real, honest to god scammer.
So we start to notice that they're spending an awfully long amount of time on this random ass weatherman who really sucks at his job. We find out it's because he's frustrated with having to deliver the same weather every day in sunny Los Angeles and is hungry for a challenge! He decides that he, a lowly local meteorologist is gonna discover how LA has developed an impossible snowstorm.
Cut to the North Pole, Mrs. Clause is at her desk when Santa frantically calls about his stolen weather machine. They call each other mama and papa. We vomit onto the hardwood floor. Mrs. Clause calls in some elves who are, without explanation, very tall. Like not just regular human height, but extra tall. These elves, let's call them A and B because it really doesn't matter, bring up plans to modernize the North Pole, build factories to make the toys, and convert elves to telemarketing. It makes no sense. They want to destroy their own jobs? They are the opposite of coal country. This also has literally nothing to do with the rest of the movie.
Any Mrs. Clause sends A and B to California to help her idiot husband find the weather machine so he can be back in time to deliver presents.
Santa, deducing some shit from a footprint left in the snow, determines the culprit must be a young girl so he pulls out a list of "Los Angeles naughty girls." That is a direct quotes. Now comes a montage of all the "naughty girls" in Los Angeles who eat too many cookies, throw snowballs at their step moms, etc.
Back in Allie's world, the snow has..snowballed and school is cancelled but so is her father's flight home! Because it's snowing in San Francisco! It's fine. Lizzie McGuire mom is still pretending she can make her catering business work in this catastrophe and is busy prepping a big ass turkey.
Hannah: Seeing that raw turkey reminds of that scene in Even Stevens where Louis wishes he was never born and then sees his family without him dancing with a turkey. Do you remember that?
Lindsay: Oh damn! Now I do.
Hannah: It's one of the only things I remember about that show. What was the plot even?
Lindsay: Just, this goofy kid and his smart older sister? And Beans.
Hannah: Do you remember last year when people found photos of him working as a Christmas elf and it was terrible?
Lindsay: Have you ever seen that photo of him and Hillary next to each other and they look the same?
Finally, Santa confronts Allie and Samantha, but they don't believe he's the real deal! So he reveals secrets from their file that only Santa would know cause he's a damn perv. Samantha's secret is that she dances alone to Ricky Martin. Allie's secret is that she's very distressed that her family is too busy to spend enough time together. Now, this is a middle class suburban white family with literally no problems. They spend a LOT of time together. Like most of this movie is them spending time together. Oh, Allie, just wait til you get a nose piercing and your little brother hides a bong under his bed, then see how much time you spend together!
In another scene, Allie is talking to Samantha about how sad it is that her dad won't spend Christmas with them, and it is then revealed that Samantha's dad has been dead for years and Christmas was his favorite holiday so now Allie's a real asshole. Also, she gets one wish from Santa and uses it to bring her dad home, not help her friend have a not sad Christmas.
The director who did Ultimate Christmas Present also did Underwraps and Brink! We are prestigious and snobby film critics. We know all the directors. Wes Anderson who?
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