Sunday, October 30, 2016

Don't Look Under the Bed (It's dusty down there)


Setting: Lindsay's couch. By the way, Lindsay is on the hunt for a new couch so if you find one that screams "I'm never leaving the couch" let her know! We ate a kind of squash that is supposed to be the best squash but Hannah is unconvinced.

This week's film is Don't Look Under the Bed, because it's October, and also because it was next on the list. We had a loose memory of this movie being terrifying as a child, which is valid because Wikipedia describes this movie as "Disney Channel's second and final attempt at a horror film." This movie's got puberty, imaginary friends, dogs on roofs, and some surprise racist undertones! Let's get into it.


"Don't look under the bed! I still don't look under the bed it's dusty down there!" - Hannah

The protagonist of this movie is 15 year old Frances, and she's got two brothers, younger Darwin and older Bert. We'll just tell you right off that bat that there's a third tier plot about how Darwin had cancer and his brother gave him a bone marrow transplant. Talk about horror! I mean, who names their kid Darwin? We get it you studied evolution once.


Hannah: Kids in movies are always like "nothing ever happens here!" But like no shit, you're 11 years old you don't know what the fuck is up. Like if there was a prostitution ring next door you would have no idea.
Lindsay: Yea you're completely oblivious.
Hannah: You wouldn't know anything! When you're 11 something happening is like, the trash can falls over.
Lindsay: Oooh spooky! The trash can falls over!

Right from the get-go, weird shit starts happening in Middleburg. On her way to school, Frances, child version of Agent Dana Scully, notices that there are a bunch of dogs on roofs (there is a dog actor in EVERY DCOM). Like, a dog on top of every roof in her neighborhood and no one knows how they got there. Then, at school, someone drops like 500 cartons of eggs on her teacher's open convertible. In addition, she makes friends with a black kid, Larry, who she has yet to realize is imaginary. He’s wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses, kinda looks like some Tyler the Creator outfit inspo.





Odd pranks continue throughout Middleburg including a jello swimming pool (barf), alarm clock mix up (eh, okay), graffiti (typical), town power outage (uh-oh), christmas light display (so much effort) and a planted secret [photo]. So far, this movie is riddled with weird angles and slimey boogey person hand shots.

The town begins to suspect mass hypnosis as the culprit, then begins to question Frances. Her parents worry they made the wrong decision in letting Frances skip a grade and she is having a mental breakdown. Frances foolishly tries to explain her imaginary friend, Larry to the adults but since they cannot see him, they question her sanity, as are we. This girl may be legit crazy. JK Mental illness is no joke #TalkAboutIt.

Larry continues to be an extremely animated character, appearing in a cowboy outfit, karate outfit, any really any little boy's halloween costume ideas. Speaking of Darwin, we find out Francis is torn apart inside because when her little brother had cancer, she wasn't able to donate her bone marrow and it's really tearin' her up inside.


BOO! John pops in to give us a real startle and shakes things up a bit and we “snap back to reality” but after dancing like a weirdo all over the place, he retreats back to his room and we get back to pressing business.

Desperate Frances stomps off to find Larry. He's playing basketball in a park, and then climbs on monkey bars, like a monkey. It's all very racially unsettling.

But Larry knows that the town "prankster" is actually a boogeyman trying to frame Frances, so he takes her to a library to check out a dusty 'ol boogeybook (Disney’s favorite prop) so they can defeat a boogeyman with special boogeydefenses. In the library, we find out that toddlers can also see Larry since they are innocent and imaginative children who have yet to be jaded by the harsh cruel world. Basically like in The Polar Express when only children can hear the bell. Anyways, Frances is having a hard time believing Larry since she tried to prove everything through logic (again, child Agent Dana Scully) but is growing desperate and checks out the boogeybook from the library.

Eventually, we find out that Larry is Darwin’s former imaginary friend but because of his medical crisis, Frances convinced him to stop believing. What? I don't know just accept it and move on. Then...dun dun dun...during her boogeyresearch, Frances finds out that an imaginary friend will turn into a boogeyman when the human stops believing too soon. Uh-oh, can you guess what that means? Larry is turning into a boogeyman!


Larry cooks up some boogeyjuice to lure the boogeyman who's been taunting the town. In addition, Larry loves the taste of the boogeyjuice, signalling his transformation into boogeyman. Next thing we know, Darwin is scooped up by the boogeyman and taken into the boogeyworld that exists under Frances’ bed. There we go! The connection to the title. Also, this is the exact plot of Stranger Things.

At this point, Lindsay beckons John back into the living room to tell the story of his friend’s step-dad, also named Darwin, who toasts a whole loaf's worth of bread slices, then puts it back into the bag to eat during the week. PRE-MADE TOAST?! That’s fucking creepy. Toast takes two seconds to make.

Halfway-to-boogeyman Larry dives into the boogeyworld to defeat the other, more evil boogeyman and save Darwin. Frances refuses to stay behind, sparking more emotions because of the whole bone marrow plot. It's really too much.

Lindsay: I have so many boogies in my nose all the time
Hannah: All the time.
Lindsay: All the time!
Hannah: All the time.
Lindsay: I have boogies in my nose now, I should just pick them now.
Hannah: Pick. Them. Now. Girl.

They find the boogeyman dragging Darwin in a sack. While trying to attack the boogeyman, Larry’s vacuum boogeypack unplugs and won’t work! The boogeyman verrrrrrrrry slooooooooowly hovers over towards Frances but things happen and Larry is back in action and defeats him. The boogeyman turns into an old lady and then a young girl, Benjamin Button style.

Surprise! The boogeyman is a girl! She’s a boogeyperson! And she wants everyone to know it, correcting everyone when they say boogeyman. Thanks Disney for equality! Gender is a social construct.

It is now confusingly revealed that the boogeyman is Frances’ old imaginary friend from when she was younger. They hold each other longingly until Larry and new imaginary friend decide to set off on an adventure to defeat more boogeypersons in other towns! But wait, it’s not over yet. Just as we suspected. Larry does have a crush on Frances. He gives her a rather long kiss before marching off. This is Disney’s first official kiss and it’s interracial. Makes up for the racist undertones earlier? Not so sure.

So there you have it, Disney’s second and final try at a horror film.

"I couldn’t tell me the moral of this if you paid me $1,000. Over even $2,000, maybe $3,000” - Hannah