The setting: Lindsay's couch. Tater tots! Wine! Pickled peppers? Chocolate chip cookies! Our sweet friend Micaela aka Micky C! John also pops in sometimes.
This week's movie is Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century and it's really truly possibly one of the best movies of all time! It might even deserve a Pulitzer? Just kidding. Kind of. Did you know this movie was based on a book? Add it to your reading list immediately like we did.
We meet teenaged Zenon as she's running through the halls of her spaceship home because she's late for school! When she gets to class, she sits down next to her BFF Nebula aka tiny Raven Symone, and their hologram teacher is comparing U.S president Clinton to her father. Yes, in this movie, Chelsea Clinton is president on planet earth.
Basically, Zenon and her parents and everyone they know lives on this giant spaceship somewhere in outerspace. They were originally from earth and most of the children have very little memory of their birthplace. They have their own community, schools, insane fashion trends, slang, etc. There are a lot of logistical (and ethical?) questions that could be asked of this situation but it's better to not worry about it.
Hannah: Is there any difference between this movie and Star Wars?
Lindsay: Yes.
Hannah: Prove it. Name one.
Lindsay: Oh. I guess not…
Right off the bat, we decide that Zenon is such a Samantha because she's sassy and brassy and gets what she wants! Plus she has blonde bangs. She's the most rebellious of her friend group and is always scheming! At one point she decides to go out into space, in a suit tethered to the ship so she could watch some Aurora Borealis shit or something. But she gets caught and her parents are furious. They're like "What if the tether broke while you were out there" and she's like "Shut up dad I'm 13 I can handle myself!" *Die Young by Kesha plays*
But her parents beg her to play by the rules and to "keep her gang in line" because a rich man named Wyndum is visiting and will decide whether to invest money into the space station or to let it go to shit. He looks like a large-nostriled William Shatner and is accompanied by a little rat-faced assistant. The livelihood of everyone on the ship depends on Zenon's behavior! Uh oh. At one point, smooth talking Zenon has a run-in with Wyndum tries to stress the important work the ship does. Wyndum is impressed by her persuasive speaking skills and says "Wow you're good! You should work in PR!" which once again prove that she is a Samantha.
But she's got other things on her mind, like Proto Zoa, the dreamy rockstar who just announced his first ever concert in outer space! He's hosting a contest for one lucky fan to dance with him on stage and Zenon is determined to win! She's tryna get that D. Just kidding, she's 13. But she is trying to touch his spiky hair.
This resourceful gal makes a lot of her own unique clothes by dumpster diving through space dumpsters, which just has a lot of cool leather fabric and metallic shit. Think about actual 13 year olds who dumpster dive though. They're like those rat people that start wearing Drug Rugs way too early. (Note: Any age is too early to start wearing a drug rug because they should never be worn). Not Zenon though! She's looking for scraps of fabric to make a (terrifying) doll replica of Proto Zoa!
One night, as she's crawling out of the trash chute, Zenon notices Wyndum's rat-faced assistant acting sketchy and wandering the halls alone at night, which apparently no one ever does. He goes into a classified computer room but then drops his memory disc like an idiot. No one believes her when she tries to explain that this man is evil and brush her off as a silly little teenaged girl. Always a mistake. Teenaged girls are always right. She's mad because "everyone's getting all gascious on me!"
Hannah: What do you call it when Muhammad Ali goes into space?
Lindsay: Skyhammad Ali?
Hannah: Gascious Clay.
When she saw Rat Face sneaking into the classified area, she memorized the code he entered and tries to get in herself. But she fucks up and the alarm goes off and wakes everyone up. This is why we need to teach girls to code! Or something. Everyone is angry at Zenon, including her parents who wear stress helmets aka a replacement for cigarettes. In fact her parents are so worried about their daughter wreaking havoc in space that they send her to stay with her aunt on earth! Disappointment major. But before she leaves, Nebula gives Zenon an earring she found from scavenging in the dumpster. Little do either of them know, however, that the earring is Rat Face's lost memory disc! Dun dun.
Zenon arrives on planet Earth, on the same plane as the villains. As they see her off, Rat Face notices the earring/memory disc and proceeds to chase this young girl for the rest of the movie. Earth isn’t too bad, though! Her aunt is chill as fuck and is basically Phoebe from "Friends." She’s a bit of a spinster, which makes no sense because she’s pretty and blonde and has a nice house, but what’s a teen movie without a quirky aunt! (Quirky and unmarried are synonymous, don't ya know?)
Young Samantha quickly attracts the attention of a 'lil earth sweetie named Greg. He saves her from drowning in the pool during gym class because she doesn’t know how to swim in earth’s gravity water. But she claims she swims really well in space. What? Why/how do they have a swimming pool in space? Anyways, Greg takes Zenon on a date to the horse stables he works and together they romantically glam up a horse (brush it’s hurr) and take it on a ride together. It’s more romantic than any date we will ever be on in our lives.
During a video call with Nebula, Zenon finds out the space station is in disaster major because Wyndum wants to blow it up and get insurance money (is that even how insurance works). Rat Face has a confrontation with Zenon and gets the earring back, but this bitch is a schemer! She gives him a fake disc she made from holographic nail polish like a goddamn hero. With the help of her new Earth friends, Zenon tries to sneak back to the space station. She runs away from her aunt's house, steals a VW Beetle with her friends , and blow past a parking guard to sneak into a Prota Zoa press conference. Zenon hunts down Prota Zoa and persuades him to let her on his ship as he's en route to the space concert. Our girl is going back to space! Of course he said yes, she’s so daring and manipulative! He's the Smith to her Samantha. RIP Greg.
Evil Wyndam and Rat Face find out she’s on the ship and also board. So now the space station is set to blow up with all of them on it! Zenon might just be the only one who can save them all as the meltdown begins, because she's the only genius among this group of adult astronauts. There's a dramatic scene with a clock ticking down and alarms going off and Zenon desperately trying to enter a correct password, only succeeding at the last possible second. TEEN GIRLS RULE ALL.
Some other stuff happens, like the villains getting arrested (space law?) and the aunt falls in love with the mayor of the space station, who wears a purple suit and has the same body type as Chris Christie. Most importantly though, ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM! Proto Zoa gives the very first space concert and makes all our hearts go BOOM BOOM BOOM. Just kidding, he looks like Ryan Lochte, who looks like Jay Manuel, who Hannah's mom once said looks like Guy Fieri. And because Zenon is not only a sassy genius/hero, but also a great and thoughtful friend, she gives up her on-stage dance to Nebula. If that doesn't scream BFF than nothing does.
Moral of the story: Teenagers are right and parents are wrong? Don't colonize space? Trust your instincts? Wear pigtails.
Zenon Vocab Index:
-Zetus Lapetus
-Bummer Major
-Scrub this mission
-Lunarius
-Gascious
-Sweat minor
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