Setting: Lindsay’s couch on a cool evening, we are both wearing sweatshirts because we were not prepared. We have already eaten fancy brussel sprout pizza but still have plantain chips and presumably a sweet treat because it would be unlikely we didn’t.
This is a DCOM classic, but Hannah just quickly realizes she has no idea how this movie plays out.
It's halloween and this mom is holding her kids hostage at home instead of letting them trick or treat like normal kids. It'd be so weird if your seemingly normal mom had such a visceral reaction to halloween. The protagonist, young Marnie, is particularly peeved by not being able to celebrate this holiday because she loves weird shit. She points out to her buzzkill (and of course, dweeby) younger brother that the holiday is special because it's when their parents met. The little brother urges her not to talk about their dad because it would upset their mom because of course their dad IS DEAD. HE IS DEAD. There is always a parent missing in action.
Surprise! Grandma aka Debbie Reynolds shows up out of nowhere and the kids are excited but not confused in the slightest. She unloads outfits and toys and heads and candy and other halloween goodies from her endless Mary Poppins-esque bag creating chaos in the living room as the children shriek for joy. Their mom is peeved and wants grandma to leave but grandma wants her to move back to Halloweentown. Mom claims that the real world is "normal" and Halloweentown is full of chaos, which makes no sense since if you lived in Halloweentown you would think it was normal!
The grandma reads them a bedtime story, because for some reason all three of these different aged children have the same bedtime. She reads to them from a picture book about Halloweentown, a town with witches and ghosts and all kinds of shit. Marnie has an extremely enthusiastic response to this book despite the fact that it's basic as hell. She also freaks out because there's a witch in the book that "looks just like her." It doesn't. It's just a girl with brown hair.
Oh no now it's time for grandma to go even though she got to town one hour ago. What if you only saw your grandma in 1 hour increments once a year on halloween? Normal.
After mom catches grandma Debbie telling the kids about Halloweentown, they get into a big fight about an evil force and how only a Cromwell witch can stop it. This seems elitist and weird. Not only is the mom aggressively stuffing fried chicken into a tupperware container while fighting, but Marnie eavesdrops the whole convo! She doesn't question anything, she's a witch now! But grandma's already left--what can she do??
Lindsay: This is going on much longer than I thought it would.
Hannah: Oh, this beginning part?
Lindsay: Yea!
Hannah: Oh yeah. I thought she'd be in Halloweentown like 10 minutes ago.
Lindsay: Two minutes in she should've been in Halloweentown. This should be "Prelude to Halloweentown."
In trying to convince her younger brother that everyone is a witch, she says: "Haven't you ever wondered why we're not allowed to talk about anything with the word 'magic' in it? Or why mom is so weird about halloween? Or why I have deja vu all the time?" There's a lot of witch mythology out there but frequent deja vu isn't usually part of it.
Ok now we're actually in H-Town and all the kids have somehow snuck their way onto the halloween bus full of weird creatures who probably are familiar with each other since it’s only a town without anyone noticing. Why does no one notice these things in DCOMs?! We're getting to the meat of the thing. There's a fat frankenstein, skeletons driving cars, and what appears to be just a human body with a jack-o-lantern for a head. This may or may not be but definitely is the same universe as Nightmare Before Christmas.
"I just feel like, why do these creatures all act just like humans? Like why does that skeleton want a baseball cap--wouldn't it have different taste?" - Hannah
This grandma just put witch's brew in the microwave and pressed a button that said "bubble" twice, “toil” once and "trouble" once. It was extremely on the nose. Also, why does all witch's brew boil like dry ice?
Oh no! Mom shows up in H-Town to take the kids back, but it's insane to yank them out that fast. Now they're gonna go to school and all their friends and teachers are gonna think they're on acid.
Hannah: Hold on. I just had an unrelated epiphany. You know how in Harry Potter the bankers are goblins and like evil--is that a metaphor for wall street?? Is that TRUE?!
Lindsay: Yea!
Hannah: Like is that a known thing and I just realized it?
Lindsay: Yea! I mean I never read anything about it but I just assumed everyone thought that.
Hannah: *Freaks out*
Since the next bus home isn't for hours, the family is stuck here, much to the kids' delight. They run into Kalabar, a magician/warlock/mayor who definitely isn't Jon Hamm but also could be. We both yell “NEW DAD ALERT!” He was the mom's old flame in high school and clearly still pines for her despite so many years, children and different worlds, but it is acceptable because her husband is dead, like in ALL DISNEY MOVIES. Did Disney just try to save money by never casting two parents? What. Is. The. Deal.
Also, there's this town punk named Luke who just keeps bothering the Cromwell family for unknown reasons. He's like 12 and keeps taunting this Grandma about how he's in contact with the evil force and she's not.
Hannah: This is the weirdest relationship between 2 people I have ever EVER witnessed!
Lindsay: Yes, a young punk bullying a cool witch grandma. Or kind of a lame witch grandma.
Hannah: This would be like Malfoy bullying McGonagall.
Lindsay: Could you imagine? 'I'm a powerful force don't fuck with me Lucius!'
Hannah: Wait is that his name?
[Two minutes later]
Hannah: DRACO!
The grandma and the punk bully have a confrontation outside of an abandoned movie theater (is this another DCOM trope?). The punk leads the grandma into the movie theater so they can go make out in the old projector room. Just kidding, he's leading her to the evil force.
Oh god the old movie theater is weird. It's full of paralyzed/comatose bodies that are under some sort of curse. The grandma's been going on and on this whole movie about how people in town keep disappearing and it turns out they're all just in this movie theater?? AND NO ONE ELSE NOTICED THEIR DISAPPEARANCE!
The kids are running around town trying to find the rest of the ingredients for their grandma's potion. First they enter a werewolf hair salon so they can not-so-sneakily steal a chunk of hair. Then they trap a ghost in a hot box so they can fill a vial with ghost sweat. Next they're onto a dentist to collect some vampire teeth.
We pause to let the video load and also to shove plantain chips into our faces. So good. So salty. So, so dry.
Lindsay: Okay I have two lists going that we need to add to. Actors Who Could Be Jon Hamm: This guy, others. So who else can we add?
Hannah: A jar..of ham? Or a pig in a bathroom. Pig on a jon, Jon Hamm…
Lindsay: It's not a made up list, it's a real list of real men.
Hannah: Oh okay. John Stamos. And Mia Hamm.
The plantain chips were so dry. Too dry. We decided we needed a "salty wet snack" and cut up a raw zucchini.
Back in Halloweentown, the kids have finished gathering ingredients and are now making the potion. Note: A 13 year old girl who didn't know she was a witch until 1 hour ago is in charge of making this potion to save the town with an eight year old and five year old as her assistants. They've successfully made the potion but now the kids realize they have no idea what the spell is to activate the magic. But wait! The five year old sister who is for some reason better at magic than the older ones knows the spell. Just accept it and move on.
With the talisman lit (oh yeah there's an important talisman), they rush over to the creepy movie theater but the dark force isn't there to greet them. They realize the talisman doesn’t cure the petrified people, and instead somehow come to the conclusion that the talisman has to be installed into the large jack-o-lantern in the town square.
Finally, the dark force has realized he might be defeated soon and reappears. He reveals himself as the mayor and the whole town gasps together. Punk boy decided to help Marnie. Dark force mayor talks way too much. Marnie climbs up the pumpkin but she takes too long and he hits her with some sort of lightning. She hears her grandma’s voice telling her what to do while she is half conscious and dangling off of a giant jack-o-lantern. The talisman drops and the spell is broken! The petrified people wake up but the evil force is still alive. This whole scene plays out very slowly.
The grandma and mother find their children outside and ask Kalabar why he is so evil and he responds, “you could’ve had me! The most powerful warlock of all. You could have ruled with me!” He wants to control the monster and human worlds and is butthurt that a girl turned him down. This is basically just like Snape and Lily in Harry Potter. Like actually. Some stuff happens and they save Halloweentown. This scene also takes way too long to play out. Kalabar had about five minutes to run away and take over the world but instead he stands and watches them defeat him. The town also does not do anything but watches the entire scene.
Huzzah! Witches for the win! Family for the win! Debbie Reynolds for the win!
Marnie goes to thank the punk boy and he’s sulking on a hay bale because he's transformed back into his true form, a short little elf thing. He agreed to be evil with Kalabar because he turned him "handsome" but Marnie probably likes him better this way. Cue weird young romance that is very unnecessary but Disney thinks is crucial.
The grandma and mother make up when the mother asks grandma to come live with them and babysit when her PTA meeting go too long. Why leave Halloweentown, grandma? She's lived there for literally hundreds of years. I think that is against everything we have learned in this movie. And it is so difficult to be a witch in the normal world, hiding your true self is difficult!
Long story short, this movie does not hold up. It's not good.
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