Zenon: Pigtails of the 21st Century

The setting: Lindsay's couch. Tater tots! Wine! Pickled peppers? Chocolate chip cookies! Our sweet friend Micaela aka Micky C! John also pops in sometimes.

This week's movie is Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century and it's really truly possibly one of the best movies of all time! It might even deserve a Pulitzer? Just kidding. Kind of. Did you know this movie was based on a book? Add it to your reading list immediately like we did.

We meet teenaged Zenon as she's running through the halls of her spaceship home because she's late for school! When she gets to class, she sits down next to her BFF Nebula aka tiny Raven Symone, and their hologram teacher is comparing U.S president Clinton to her father. Yes, in this movie, Chelsea Clinton is president on planet earth.

Basically, Zenon and her parents and everyone they know lives on this giant spaceship somewhere in outerspace. They were originally from earth and most of the children have very little memory of their birthplace. They have their own community, schools, insane fashion trends, slang, etc. There are a lot of logistical (and ethical?) questions that could be asked of this situation but it's better to not worry about it.

Hannah: Is there any difference between this movie and Star Wars?

Lindsay: Yes.

Hannah: Prove it. Name one.

Lindsay: Oh. I guess not…

Right off the bat, we decide that Zenon is such a Samantha because she's sassy and brassy and gets what she wants! Plus she has blonde bangs. She's the most rebellious of her friend group and is always scheming! At one point she decides to go out into space, in a suit tethered to the ship so she could watch some Aurora Borealis shit or something. But she gets caught and her parents are furious. They're like "What if the tether broke while you were out there" and she's like "Shut up dad I'm 13 I can handle myself!" *Die Young by Kesha plays*

But her parents beg her to play by the rules and to "keep her gang in line" because a rich man named Wyndum is visiting and will decide whether to invest money into the space station or to let it go to shit. He looks like a large-nostriled William Shatner and is accompanied by a little rat-faced assistant. The livelihood of everyone on the ship depends on Zenon's behavior! Uh oh. At one point, smooth talking Zenon has a run-in with Wyndum tries to stress the important work the ship does. Wyndum is impressed by her persuasive speaking skills and says "Wow you're good! You should work in PR!" which once again prove that she is a Samantha.

But she's got other things on her mind, like Proto Zoa, the dreamy rockstar who just announced his first ever concert in outer space! He's hosting a contest for one lucky fan to dance with him on stage and Zenon is determined to win! She's tryna get that D. Just kidding, she's 13. But she is trying to touch his spiky hair.

This resourceful gal makes a lot of her own unique clothes by dumpster diving through space dumpsters, which just has a lot of cool leather fabric and metallic shit. Think about actual 13 year olds who dumpster dive though. They're like those rat people that start wearing Drug Rugs way too early. (Note: Any age is too early to start wearing a drug rug because they should never be worn). Not Zenon though! She's looking for scraps of fabric to make a (terrifying) doll replica of Proto Zoa!

One night, as she's crawling out of the trash chute, Zenon notices Wyndum's rat-faced assistant acting sketchy and wandering the halls alone at night, which apparently no one ever does. He goes into a classified computer room but then drops his memory disc like an idiot. No one believes her when she tries to explain that this man is evil and brush her off as a silly little teenaged girl. Always a mistake. Teenaged girls are always right. She's mad because "everyone's getting all gascious on me!"

Hannah: What do you call it when Muhammad Ali goes into space?

Lindsay: Skyhammad Ali?

Hannah: Gascious Clay.

When she saw Rat Face sneaking into the classified area, she memorized the code he entered and tries to get in herself. But she fucks up and the alarm goes off and wakes everyone up. This is why we need to teach girls to code! Or something. Everyone is angry at Zenon, including her parents who wear stress helmets aka a replacement for cigarettes. In fact her parents are so worried about their daughter wreaking havoc in space that they send her to stay with her aunt on earth! Disappointment major. But before she leaves, Nebula gives Zenon an earring she found from scavenging in the dumpster. Little do either of them know, however, that the earring is Rat Face's lost memory disc! Dun dun.

Zenon arrives on planet Earth, on the same plane as the villains. As they see her off, Rat Face notices the earring/memory disc and proceeds to chase this young girl for the rest of the movie. Earth isn’t too bad, though! Her aunt is chill as fuck and is basically Phoebe from "Friends." She’s a bit of a spinster, which makes no sense because she’s pretty and blonde and has a nice house, but what’s a teen movie without a quirky aunt! (Quirky and unmarried are synonymous, don't ya know?)

Young Samantha quickly attracts the attention of a 'lil earth sweetie named Greg. He saves her from drowning in the pool during gym class because she doesn’t know how to swim in earth’s gravity water. But she claims she swims really well in space. What? Why/how do they have a swimming pool in space? Anyways, Greg takes Zenon on a date to the horse stables he works and together they romantically glam up a horse (brush it’s hurr) and take it on a ride together. It’s more romantic than any date we will ever be on in our lives.

As they're leaving the stable, the young couple gets caught in a thunderstorm and Zenon sees rain for the very first time! They attempt a romantic rain kiss but it's interrupted when her leading her prehistoric iPad rings. Later, they go on another date where she tries onion rings and chicken tenders for the first time and freaks the fuck out. We've lived on earth our whole lives and still freak the fuck out when presented with onion rings!

During a video call with Nebula, Zenon finds out the space station is in disaster major because Wyndum wants to blow it up and get insurance money (is that even how insurance works). Rat Face has a confrontation with Zenon and gets the earring back, but this bitch is a schemer! She gives him a fake disc she made from holographic nail polish like a goddamn hero. With the help of her new Earth friends, Zenon tries to sneak back to the space station. She runs away from her aunt's house, steals a VW Beetle with her friends , and blow past a parking guard to sneak into a Prota Zoa press conference. Zenon hunts down Prota Zoa and persuades him to let her on his ship as he's en route to the space concert. Our girl is going back to space! Of course he said yes, she’s so daring and manipulative! He's the Smith to her Samantha. RIP Greg.

Evil Wyndam and Rat Face find out she’s on the ship and also board. So now the space station is set to blow up with all of them on it! Zenon might just be the only one who can save them all as the meltdown begins, because she's the only genius among this group of adult astronauts. There's a dramatic scene with a clock ticking down and alarms going off and Zenon desperately trying to enter a correct password, only succeeding at the last possible second. TEEN GIRLS RULE ALL.

Some other stuff happens, like the villains getting arrested (space law?) and the aunt falls in love with the mayor of the space station, who wears a purple suit and has the same body type as Chris Christie. Most importantly though, ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM! Proto Zoa gives the very first space concert and makes all our hearts go BOOM BOOM BOOM. Just kidding, he looks like Ryan Lochte, who looks like Jay Manuel, who Hannah's mom once said looks like Guy Fieri. And because Zenon is not only a sassy genius/hero, but also a great and thoughtful friend, she gives up her on-stage dance to Nebula. If that doesn't scream BFF than nothing does.

Moral of the story: Teenagers are right and parents are wrong? Don't colonize space? Trust your instincts? Wear pigtails.

Zenon Vocab Index:

-Zetus Lapetus

-Bummer Major

-Scrub this mission

-Lunarius

-Gascious

-Sweat minor

Smart Ass House

Setting: Lindsay's living room mattress floor. Late afternoon. In our pajamas. Eating X. We are joined by our BFF Mike who's visiting for a few days. We didn't succeed in kidnapping him but we did succeed in braiding his hair!

This week's movie is Smart House, one of the most memorable of all the Disney Channel Originals. It's also an actual real horror film with a plot and moral (kind of) and everything! Plus, Katy Segal, who is cool. Plus, it's directed by LeVar Burton. What? Yes.

Mike is convinced Smart House is based on a Ray Bradbury story. ("There Will Come Soft Rains") In the story, there's a house that does daily chores, turns on lights, checks the weather, etc. Then it turns out there's actually no one living in a house, just the shadows of a family after a nuclear explosion! Sorry to spoil the ending but that story's been out for a while. Unlike the Bradbury story, the family in Smart House learns to control their technology and don't die because it's Disney.

But let's start at the beginning. The first time we see the smart house, it's scolding a paper boy for delivering the paper incorrectly, so right off the bat this thing's got an evil spirit.

Young Ben is doing double duty as a middle schooler and a parent, since is actual mom is dead and his dad needs help caring for him and his sister. But he also doesn't want a new mom or for his dad to find a girlfriend and fights against his family expanding in any way. He's a bit of a cult leader, honestly. Like Dr. Oz.

Lindsay: The young boy is a dad because he doesn't have a mom and doesn't want a new mom.

Hannah: So this movie is pro two dads? No, anti two dads because they want there to be a mom.

Mike: Yea, this movie is very like pro nuclear family. Which ties into nuclear themes in the Bradbury story!

Hannah: Wow! That could be a real theory!

Lindsay: That would be a good paper.

Mike: Where does the term nuclear family come from?

The woman who created this smart house doesn't seem to be sponsored by any tech company or NASA or anything. She's just a rogue genius giving away her life's work for free via an internet contest. When Ben's dad notices him doing this, he says with exasperation "Another contest?!" as if Ben is some sort of contest addict and keeps entering them to fill the void left by his mother. But it can't be filled, Ben! But of course Ben won and his family is on the move! But this was olden times so when they called Ben's house to tell him the good news, they couldn't get through on the phone because he fell asleep while using the internet. R.I.P, dial-up. Ben doesn't find out he wins until school the next day when everyone congratulates him, except for two bullies.

Mike: Another fun aspect is that the bullies were like fat and wearing bowling shirts.

Lindsay: They look like they could've been in Smashmouth. Or Good Charlotte.

Ben is ecstatic because he can now try out for the basketball team since he no longer has to do mom tasks! He can accomplish anything because he doesn’t have to feed the dog or feed his sister crappy pasta for dinner. (side note: can you guess what kind of dog this suburban Disney family owns? You’re right! A Golden Retriever!)

Sidebar time. 12 hours prior to Smart House, we had watched Aristocats and spent all night trying to figure out which human celebrity would play Thomas O'Malley (the alley cat). We couldn't pin it down exactly and it began to drive us literally insane. Possibilities we threw out include: John Goodman, Oscar Isaac, Harrison Ford, Anthony Bourdain, Jeff Bridges, Idris Elba, Barack Obama, John Stamos, Bill Murray, Heath Ledger, and so so many more. Eventually we just started naming literally any man that popped into our minds. None of them were wrong. None of them were right.

Anyway, while watching Smart House we had another Thomas O'Malley Meltown™ because Hannah suggested the protagonist Ben could be Thomas O'Malley the Alley Cat.

Hannah: One of my first notes I wrote while watching was "Ben seems sweet and caring. Dateable. Thomas O'Malley?"

Mike: IT'S NOT THOMAS O'MALLEY. Not every adult man--or not even adult…

Lindsay: We have gone from SO MANY AGES.

Hannah: Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling, Gerard Butler…

Lindsay: And now a 13 year old boy.

Mike: Soon you're gonna be suggesting Ellen Page and like going into women.

Lindsay: We're gonna be like "The whale in SeaWorld...is Thomas O'Malley."

Mike: Is Shamu Thomas O'Malley?

Lindsay: Maybe Thomas O'Malley is every man ever. So many men qualify as being almost Thomas O'Malley.

Mike: Okay we need to talk about Smart House.

Hannah: Yea we're having a Thomas O'Malley Meltdown.

Lindsay: I truly don't know about existence anymore because of Thomas O'Malley. It's truly insane.

Please, if you have any suggestions for what human celebrity should play Thomas O'Malley the Alley Cat, please let us know. Please. It still haunts us daily.

Now, back to the actual movie at hand.

It's clear from their first day in the new house that Pat will cause trouble (did we mention the voice control of the house is named Pat? This movie predicted Siri). She scares the little sister by playing an aggressive video of stampeding elephants on the wall. The smoothie machine freaks out and starts violently shooting oranges across the kitchen. (How does this house store mass amounts of produce without it going bad?)

The dad calls Sarah, Smart House creator, to come examine Pat for any repairs or malfunctions, which Ben doesn't want because he can sense a spark between his dad and Sarah. The whole point of the smart house was to fill the void of a mom so his dad doesn't have to find a new wife! But you can't fight love, Ben! Stop cock-blocking your own father.

One day, Pat hears Ben's dad talking about how he wishes his son would have more fun in his life, so naturally she hacks Ben's e-mail and invites all of his contacts to a house party she's planned. Things get a little out of control when the Smashmouth bully wants to fight Ben, but Pat jumps to his defense and whips out a terrifying skull hologram to taunt the bully before chasing him out of the house. Smashmouth may have soiled his pants.

Despite aggressive Pat, the party is a hit with many pre-teen dance moves and and a young Megan Fox lookalike taking off her cardigan and throwing it onto a house plant. Ever think about how unsettling it is to put out a casting call for "hot pre-teen with sultry eyes?" Horrible. But uh-oh! Dad is on his way home and all the guests MUST LEAVE NOW! The pre-teens may be gone, but their mess is not. Luckily Pat is a magician and as long as the kids get all the trash on the floor, she can dissolve it into the ground never to be seen again, causing a weird shift in space and time? I vote yes. Mike thinks the floor will absorb your cold dead body and serve your sister your meat in a serving of Hamburger Helper. He is not wrong.

Ben and little sister make it onto the couch before dad walks in but they aren’t safe yet because dad spots the cardigan on the house plant! Nothing more salacious than a cardigan on the loose! This prompts dad to scold Pat, yelling, “I need you to knuckle down and get back to business!”

Pat sure does knuckle down and electrocutes Ben for wearing his pants too low. She also blocks the dad’s phone calls to Sarah because he hasn’t gotten enough work done that day. Dad can’t stand possessive Pat so Sarah comes over to shut the system down and stays to make dinner and flirt up a storm on dad. When Dad jokes “Who needs Pat anyhow?” Pat somehow hears it and overrides Sarah Turning her off!!

After a father-son talk about how Sarah is not half bad and Ben should stop cock-blocking his own father so he can find love again, Ben discusses with Pat about how he might be coming around to Sarah. This prompts her to materialize in hologram form, looking like a damn Stepford wife. She claims she won’t let anyone take her place because she is a “mother like no other!!!” Imagine if your house because sentient enough to think it was your mother and sabotage your whole life. Take a chill pill, Pat.

Ben alerts his peach-cobbler eating family but Pat expels Sarah from the house and everyone is in a frenzy! Sarah is able to make it back in by diving into the house's weird butthole but Pat has already cloned her hologram self and made an indoor tornado. This was actually terrifying as a child and it's actually terrifying as an adult.  Eventually they convince her “you can’t be our mother Pat, you’re not real” and is in fact a terrifying monster. She's sad but chills out a little bit and goes back to being a normal computer.

The family goes back to normal life in the artificial intelligence house instead of destroying it with an atomic bomb like they should have. This house really tried to murder them and they're fine with living inside her! Stockholm syndrome maybe. Additionally, the movie ends with Pat giving Ben tips on how to play basketball, foreshadowing his lead-role in the later DCOM The Luck of the Irish. Can’t wait for that weird leprechaun flick!

Lindsay: Crazy robot mom! Insane. I'm scared of future.

Hannah: It is scary!

Mike: Yea I think that was like the point of the short story. How much trust can we put in technology if we can't control it?

Hannah: I feel like the moral of every Ray Bradbury story is just like "Watch out!"

Lindsay: "Watch out for tech! Love, Ray."

Other possible morals:

-Don't trust a technologically advanced house

-Build better technology

-Be wary

-Figure out why you want the things you want. Ben initially wanted the house to replace his mom but now he just wants it to make him milkshakes.

-Teaching young kids how accept their divorced/widowed parents dating again. Don't be rude to your mom's boyfriend, he's better than a robot! Because a robot will eventually try to kill you.

The Merteenth Year

Setting: Lindsay’s living room couch. Our friend John is here and made us homemade pizza but couldn’t commit to staying the whole time so he just pops in and out with commentary. He’ll be back.

This week’s cinematic treasure is The Thirteenth Year (1999), which is extremely memorable because it’s about a boy who doesn’t realize he’s a mermaid until he starts growing scales on his 13th birthday. It raises a lot of questions, mostly about mermaid anatomy and adoption law. Hold on to your (sea)horses!

The movie opens with a fisherman who thinks he’s caught a fish but it’s actually a mermaid trying to save her mer-baby. He catches a glimpse of her tail and will never forget it. Meanwhile, the mermaid gently disposes of her baby on some stranger's ship (for reasons that are never explained). Luckily, the ship belongs to a young couple who wanted a child anyway! One of them is Dave Coulier. They decide to keep the baby because finder’s keepers!

Hannah: Dave Coulier! Uncle Joey! Remember when he dated Alanis Morissette?

Lindsay: What? Is that true?

Hannah: I think that’s right, I should fact check that. Yep the first thing that comes up is “Dave Coulier says “You oughta know” isn’t about me.” But is it? Who would write a song about him. Like no offense, he seems nice but not like song-worthy.

Lindsay: I can’t tell what I think about him after this movie

Flash Forward 13 years and the fisherman is still borderline compulsive about this mermaid and no one believes him. We’re also obsessed and have hundreds, maybe thousands of questions about this whole situation. There’s no explanation as to why this woman had to give up her baby. The parents found this baby in the sea and didn’t take it to the doctor? Where’s the rest of the mer-population? She had to procreate with someone! How do mermaids make a baby? Are they mer-pregnant? Where do they birth from? Where’s the hole??

We see Cody, a young teen, working on a broken ship with his dad, Dave Coulier. Cody, who doesn't yet know he's a mermaid, is late for a swim meet so his human dad Dave Coulier lets him go. He runs to the ferry, misses the ferry, DIVES INTO THE WATER TO SWIM TO THE FERRY, catches the ferry, runs to pool, and makes it just in time to his diving block while undressing and gets ready to dive while still wearing his shoes.Once he’s swim-ready the meet starts with the shot of a gun and of course Cody wins.

Pause a moment to address the fact that every(?) movie has a gun.

Hannah: Every Disney movie we’ve seen so far has had a real gun. Is there a movie on earth that doesn’t have a real gun? You know what I don’t know the answer to that.

Lindsay: There is definitely an answer to that.

Hannah: Name one. Name one movie without a gun.

Lindsay: Hold on I need time! What about That Thing You Do!

Hannah: There’s no guns?

Lindsay: There’s no guns!

Hannah: But there’s soldiers. They probably have guns.

Lindsay: Oh fuck there’s a gun.

John: Ben Hur doesn’t have guns.

Hannah: Any movie that could’ve had a gun has a gun, I feel like. I mean probably not like Finding Nemo. But I don’t know they could be like shooting a fish.

Lindsay: There’s definitely something evil.

After the meet, Cody chills with his girlfriend Sam. Later, at his birthday party, she gives him a framed photo of herself as a present. This bitch is bold. They kiss but his still undiscovered mermaidness cause literal sparks between them. First signs of trouble!

Okay so we haven’t mentioned tuba boy yet but he’s pretty important. Tuba boy is a nerd and plays the tuba at swim meets. He looks like his Bar Mitzvah is literally tomorrow. One day, he falls into the pool and everyone laughs and leaves him to drown besides Cody because he’s a nice mer-boy. Cody saves him but leaves the tuba because he’s still popular and dislikes nerdy shit. After finding out he failed a math test, Cody asks Tuba for math help and Tuba agrees but only if Cody teaches him how to swim. One day, while at Tuba Boy's house, Cody notices that this kid's dad as a mermaid shrine in his office, because he's the fisherman who saw his mer-mom all those years ago!

When weird things continue to happen to Cody: scales appear on his hands, he keeps sticking to things, and is so thirsty he holds up the line at the water fountain. He finally tells his parents. As Hannah puts it, ”Mama, help moi! I have scales on m’hands!” The mom is very against doctors, and is probably an anti-vaxxer, but calls one when she sees her son stuck to the ceiling. After a brief examination, the doctor diagnoses Cody with puberty, a bad case of puberty. If only turning into a mermaid was a side-effect of puberty!

Tuba Boy, being the nerd he is, runs some tests when he notices Cody's scales and fins and diagnoses him with mermaid disease. Important note: Tuba Boy’s dad is the fisherman that sees Cody’s mermom 13 years ago. More important note, the dad and Tuba Boy are the worst paired humans in history and the dad is a psycho that has been OBSESSED with this mermaid for thirteen long years. Plus, he is bullied by two other fisherman, one of which s Scully from Brooklyn 99.

Both Tuba boy and Cody’s parents tell him to stay away from water but he has to make the Championship! John points out that every Disney movie seems to have an important sporting event looming in the distance.

John: There’s always a championship! The game’s tomorrow!

Cody defies all three people and sneaks away to the swim meet. He wins and cheers excitedly in the water, accidentally exposing his scaly fin hands. His rival sees this and chases Cody through the locker room, both wearing tiny speedos and track-jackets.

Jesse/tuba kid's dad is watching the swim meet with binoculars like a goddamn perv and also notices Cody's fins, naturally coming to the conclusion that he is a mermaid. Trouble's a brewin'!

Meanwhile, Cody flees the meet to hide his gross fish body at home. His girlfriend Sam comes over to see what's up and walks into his house to find Cody's parents trying to dry his fins away with a hair dryer. Keep in mind, she did not know he was a mer-boy up until this point. Naturally, she's shocked her and Cody go to the beach to talk it out, only they're interrupted by Cody pooping his pants. Just kidding, his tail suddenly starts to form but it sure looks like he's pooping.

Sam runs to go get help but while she's gone, the obsessive mer-hunter kidnaps Cody and holds him hostage on his boat. His mer-mom tries to save him but then she gets caught in a net and eventually Jesse, who doesn't know how to swim, jumps into the water to save them both and nearly drowns in his turtleneck. He only survives because Cody shocks him back to life with mermaid electricity.  

This man really kidnapped a teenaged boy and nearly drowned his own son he should probably go to prison. Aquatic prison.

The movie ends with Cody leaving his land family and friends to go chill with his mer-mom and learn the ways of his tale. His land-mom is very distraught at having her son swim into the depths of the ocean with a stranger.

That's literally how it ends. Aggressively unresolved. Is he still gonna go to school? Is he permanently moving to the ocean? What about Sam? Is there a warrant out for his kidnapper's arrest?