The setting: Lindsay's couch with the movie playing on the computer hooked up to the TV. We have 
burrito bowls and chips and guacamole and lemonade.
Number of times we say "That's so weird!!": 17
This week's Disney Channel Original movie is You Lucky Dog! The film is a forgotten gem/rock starring Kirk Cameron dog psychiatrist and psychic.
The intro lets us know that the main character is, in addition to being a dog psychic, is also an orphan. In case you didn't know, every character in a Disney movie is an orphan, or they have divorced parents.
An angry dog owner leaves hastily after he sees dog psychiatrist Jack Morgan (Kirk Cameron) napping on the job. He yells at his wife, Emily, to get the dog so they can leave.
Lindsay: "Get the dog Emily!"? What a demand. Don't treat your wife like that you sick asshole.
Hannah: What do you call it when you eat just a bowl of beans for dinner?
Lindsay: Beaniful?
Hannah: A sick asshole.
It soon becomes apparent that while Jack once had psychic dog abilities as a teenager, he lost them years ago and now operates a sham dog psychiatrist business. Also, he has a sassy secretary named Bernice who will NOT get him coffee. Then, a rich dude brings in his dog, Lucky, and Jack gets his powers back, which is very apparent to the audience but he is oblivious.
"Pick my bones while I'm down, you vultures!"--Jack as he gets kicked out of his office.
While getting evicted, Jack learns that the rich dude who brought his dog in died and now Jack is "needed at the estate." Cut to the estate where a lawyer is executing the rich dude's will to his adult niece and two nephews who lived in his mansion and are also evil. We can't emphasize enough how these are an ADULT niece and nephews. They all look to be in their 40s. One looks like Nicolas cage, one looks like Bill Murray and Conan O'brien had a son, and one looks like Cruella De Vil. Wait, is Cruella De Vil's last name just a play on "devil"??? Also, the Nicolas Cage one is played by the same guy who was Manuelo in So Little Time.
Nicolas, ConBill, and Cruella are escorted out of the mansion because they are enraged over not getting any money from their uncle and an insane fight scene happens outside, inside and on top of the limo. Jack is introduced to Alison, the lawyer, although he doesn't realize this at first because he's never met a female lawyer before. But she does tell him that he now Lucky's guardian and in charge of the $64 million the rich dude left his dog. If you think this movie is weird now, boy you're in for a ride.
While talking him through the rules, Jack displays some cute yet weird behavior. Lucky has an itch and Jack has to scratch his own head for some odd reason. Lucky is chewing on a shoe, Jack does not understand why he tastes leather. Neither do we. Alison leaves and things get weirder.
Kirk Cameron is dancing around this mansion, his green eyes glistening with hope for the future. An orphaned dog psychic's dream! Oh also the house comes with a driver/butler who insists that he loves his job serving the master of the house. Can you guess his race? Can you guess what show he was the uncle in? FRESH PRINCE.
Cut to a seedy motel! Where the evil siblings are staying! They cannot take a job and they cannot live without money so the siblings decide to prove Jack is criminally insane and cannot make financial decisions for a FUCKING DOG. The Nic Cage brother asks for a quarter to use the Magic Fingers. We know what Magic Fingers but have to investigate more.
Back at the house, Jack pulls lucky aside to have a conversation about how he cannot get excited otherwise bad things will happen. What bad things? We don't know but the two british maids overhear the conversation and think he is very strange. Jack effortlessly tries to convince the maids he is normal by saying, "I am normal" but those girls know "he's definitely nuts."
Lucky is acting real weird and Lindsay is convinced that the dog needs to go out and yells "LET. HIM. OUT" seven times (we counted). Jack finally takes the dog out where he proceeds to dig in the grass for a bone. Jack pleads with him not to get too excited because the bad thing will happen. BUT Lucky does get excited and we see what happens
Jack becomes the dog. He adapts its mannerisms. He feels and tastes and thinks the same things. It's FUCKING WEIRD! Because Lucky is digging in the grass for a bone, Jack begins to dig as well. Because Lucky starts destroying pillows in the living room, Jack does as well. The maids see it all happen and decide to leave because, in their words "no offense but we think you might be possessed by the devil."
The next morning, when Jack awakens in a hangover from doggy activities. He's surrounded by destroyed pillows, feathers, meaty bones, and shoe leather. The loyal butler finds him, asks him what's up, and immediately accepts Jack's answer that he shares the dog's mind. Also, Jack doesn't remember anything that happened. Is this a metaphor for drinking?
Butler/Driver: Why don't you ask him why he chewed up my italian leather gloves last week?
Lucky: [chomps]
Jack: He says he couldn't resist, he loves italian food.
Butler/Driver: Okay, I guess I get that.
Lindsay: Why doesn't the dog become him?
Hannah: Yea then it could walk on its hind legs.
Both: EWWWW.
Lucky won't eat. Jack tries to figure out why and realizes it's because he still misses his old owner. There's a flashback to the night he died and Lucky feels guilty because his owner dies while taking him out for a walk. Also, his owner said "Not now Lucky! It's the coldest night of the year" but it was raining so I call fraud.
Jack asks Lucky where he wants to go to get his mind of things, and Lucky barks back that he wants to go to the mall. It's confusing that he has to bark this answer because Jack can already read his mind. I can't believe this movie has so many plotholes. 
While on the limo ride to the mall, Lucky and consequently Jack get far too excited and stick their heads out their windows. At this point the niece and nephews are following Jack and filming his behavior to see if he acts insane (he does). When he sticks his head out the window, ConBill says "This is better than we could've hoped for." But alas, the dumb-dumb Nic Cage didn't put any tape in the camera.
Lindsay: Why isn't the dog helping out more? If he knows so much why isn't he helping??
Hannah: He knows what a mall is but he doesn't know these people are evil.
Lindsay: He knows what a mall is but he doesn't know these people are evil!!
Why isn't there one collective word for nieces and nephews? Or aunts and uncles? It's 2016! Gender's a lie.
A car phone! Alison the Lawyer calls Jack and asks him to sign more papers, so they meet at the mall because duh. Normal place to sign legal documents. Legal documents that give a man authorization to a dog's $64 million bank account.
THERE'S A DOG IN THE MALL AND NO ONE IS REACTING. HE'S IN A FURNITURE STORE. THE WORST PLACE FOR A DOG. This is just like Under Wraps all over again!
They meet Alison at a pet store and spoiler: she has a daughter, who wants a puppy.
DOG IN A MALL! THAT'S A MOVIE IN AND OF ITSELF. Other dog in mall activities: Dog on Escalator, Dog on Train, Dog in Pet Store, Dog in a Food Court.
Hold on. Jack is basically this dog's slave. He has to do whatever it wants!! The dog is now on the counter as Sbarro. They're devouring a food court feast like warthogs.
Quick transition. Back at the house, trucks are unloading all of Lucky's new things including: furniture, large baskets of balls, astro turf for the whole house, and toys galore. Niece strolls on up to "discuss business" but is immediately distracted by the hauling of dog goods into the house. Side note: Kirk Cameron should have dated Cameron Diaz. Kirk Cameron Diaz.
Niece focuses her attention back to Jack who is now speaking for the dog, saying "i've always wanted to do this to you" and proceeds to chase her and bite her butt! So many buttz. Where is Tina Belcher when you need her?
Now we take a tour of the house, because all renovations were done in one day. There's astroturf indoors. There's a wall of candy machines filled with dog treats. There's roughly 300 toys. Jack not only shares a mind with this dog but a bed as well. A BED. They sleep together under the covers. THIS IS WEIRD.
Lindsay: Why did Kirk Cameron do this movie?
Hannah: Can we tweet at him?
Lindsay: I dunno, does he have a tweeter?
Hannah: If he does what should I say?
Lindsay: "Hey love the classic You Lucky Dog!"
His twitter hasn't been active for years but it's last posts were just links to his christian blog with titles such as "Is escapism ruining your marriage?" and "Unlocking God's storehouse of grace."
Cruella, ConBill, and Nic Cage appear on the news to discuss Jack's mental incompetence. Alison the Lawyer asks Jack if there's anything she should know (she does not know he becomes the dog. But the butler does? Where are we?)
Suddenly, they're in court and everyone is starting to believe that Jack is indeed insane (BECAUSE HE IS). Only the butler/driver stands up for him but eventually admits the weird shit he's seen. Jack goes on to prove that he's not insane by showing how he becomes Lucky when the dog gets excited, which is INSANE!
Anyway, we learn that ConBill, the nephew, actually poisoned his uncle. He pulls a gun in court (this is a Disney movie) and shoots it. For a minute, it appears Lucky's been hit but it only grazed his ear.
At the end, we see Alison and her daughter hanging out at Jack's house with a whole buncha dogs. Lots of dogs. Many dogs. Their relationship is 1000% PG. P.s, it turns out Kirk Cameron is married to this chick IRL. She was on Brady Bunch.
We end the viewing by doing our usual research on the history of the film, and then somehow decide we have to look up what Selena Gomez looked like in 1998 and end up on a Hungarian Selena page. Literally no recollection of how or why we got here, but she was adorable either way.
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