The Ultimate Christmas Present: The Ultimate Environmental Crisis

Setting: Lindsay's couch, eating corn chips. John made us a single Tiki cocktail because he is very into Tiki cocktails right now but only had enough ingredients for one drink.

In honor of the holiday season, we skipped ahead two years (so like, 15 DCOMS) so we could watch The Ultimate Christmas Present. You know, that movie where the girl steals a snow machine from santa and nearly causes an environmental catastrophe? It has the mom from Lizzie McGuire! And tiny Brenda Song! Also Peter Scolari.

So this lil' tween (we're talking HARDCORE tween) named Allie (is that even her name) is three days away from Christmas break and cannot wait, especially when she realizes she forgot about a five page paper due the next day. After school, her and her bff Samantha (is that even her name) take a shortcut home, get lost, and stumble upon a log cabin in the middle of the woods. The disgruntled old man (Santa, obviously) inside gets frustrated and throws a little robot into the trash and Allie, not giving a single shit, goes to steal it. She takes it home to hide it and we get a glimpse into yet another teen bedroom.

Lindsay (a literal florist): Her room is one of the most insane we've seen so far. She has a flower box in her window. I'm like, who takes care of that? I don't even take care of that and I'm an adult who really likes plants.

Hannah: You? I've literally never seen you water a plant before.

Lindsay: What? That's can't be right. I water them literally all the time.

Hannah: Are you serious? Of course I have! I've never seen you not watering your plants.

To set the scene of this girl's "chaotic" home life: her mom (who is also Lizzie McGuire's mom) as a small catering business that is very busy, her little brother is a straight up turd on wheels (Heely's probably), and her Dad does some vague thing where he has to go to San Francisco. Spoiler alert: The moral of this movie is to not be so busy that you don't hang out with your family. More on that later though…

Obviously, Allie and Samantha test out this weather machine in her bedroom and make thunderstorms and earthquakes (just accept it and move on). They turn it on the snow setting and leave it in the damn flower box so it'll snow and school will be cancelled and she won't have to do her paper. A real, honest to god scammer.

So we start to notice that they're spending an awfully long amount of time on this random ass weatherman who really sucks at his job. We find out it's because he's frustrated with having to deliver the same weather every day in sunny Los Angeles and is hungry for a challenge! He decides that he, a lowly local meteorologist is gonna discover how LA has developed an impossible snowstorm.

Cut to the North Pole, Mrs. Clause is at her desk when Santa frantically calls about his stolen weather machine. They call each other mama and papa. We vomit onto the hardwood floor. Mrs. Clause calls in some elves who are, without explanation, very tall. Like not just regular human height, but extra tall. These elves, let's call them A and B because it really doesn't matter, bring up plans to modernize the North Pole, build factories to make the toys, and convert elves to telemarketing. It makes no sense. They want to destroy their own jobs? They are the opposite of coal country. This also has literally nothing to do with the rest of the movie.

Any Mrs. Clause sends A and B to California to help her idiot husband find the weather machine so he can be back in time to deliver presents.

Santa, deducing some shit from a footprint left in the snow, determines the culprit must be a young girl so he pulls out a list of "Los Angeles naughty girls." That is a direct quotes. Now comes a montage of all the "naughty girls" in Los Angeles who eat too many cookies, throw snowballs at their step moms, etc.

Back in Allie's world, the snow has..snowballed and school is cancelled but so is her father's flight home! Because it's snowing in San Francisco! It's fine. Lizzie McGuire mom is still pretending she can make her catering business work in this catastrophe and is busy prepping a big ass turkey.

Hannah: Seeing that raw turkey reminds of that scene in Even Stevens where Louis wishes he was never born and then sees his family without him dancing with a turkey. Do you remember that?

Lindsay: Oh damn! Now I do.

Hannah: It's one of the only things I remember about that show. What was the plot even?

Lindsay: Just, this goofy kid and his smart older sister? And Beans.

Hannah: Do you remember last year when people found photos of him working as a Christmas elf and it was terrible?

Lindsay: Have you ever seen that photo of him and Hillary next to each other and they look the same?

Finally, Santa confronts Allie and Samantha, but they don't believe he's the real deal! So he reveals secrets from their file that only Santa would know cause he's a damn perv. Samantha's secret is that she dances alone to Ricky Martin. Allie's secret is that she's very distressed that her family is too busy to spend enough time together. Now, this is a middle class suburban white family with literally no problems. They spend a LOT of time together. Like most of this movie is them spending time together. Oh, Allie, just wait til you get a nose piercing and your little brother hides a bong under his bed, then see how much time you spend together!

In another scene, Allie is talking to Samantha about how sad it is that her dad won't spend Christmas with them, and it is then revealed that Samantha's dad has been dead for years and Christmas was his favorite holiday so now Allie's a real asshole. Also, she gets one wish from Santa and uses it to bring her dad home, not help her friend have a not sad Christmas.

The director who did Ultimate Christmas Present also did Underwraps and Brink! We are prestigious and snobby film critics. We know all the directors. Wes Anderson who?

Don't Look Under the Bed (It's dusty down there)

Setting: Lindsay's couch. By the way, Lindsay is on the hunt for a new couch so if you find one that screams "I'm never leaving the couch" let her know! We ate a kind of squash that is supposed to be the best squash but Hannah is unconvinced.

This week's film is Don't Look Under the Bed, because it's October, and also because it was next on the list. We had a loose memory of this movie being terrifying as a child, which is valid because Wikipedia describes this movie as "Disney Channel's second and final attempt at a horror film." This movie's got puberty, imaginary friends, dogs on roofs, and some surprise racist undertones! Let's get into it.

"Don't look under the bed! I still don't look under the bed it's dusty down there!" - Hannah

The protagonist of this movie is 15 year old Frances, and she's got two brothers, younger Darwin and older Bert. We'll just tell you right off that bat that there's a third tier plot about how Darwin had cancer and his brother gave him a bone marrow transplant. Talk about horror! I mean, who names their kid Darwin? We get it you studied evolution once.

Hannah: Kids in movies are always like "nothing ever happens here!" But like no shit, you're 11 years old you don't know what the fuck is up. Like if there was a prostitution ring next door you would have no idea.

Lindsay: Yea you're completely oblivious.

Hannah: You wouldn't know anything! When you're 11 something happening is like, the trash can falls over.

Lindsay: Oooh spooky! The trash can falls over!

Right from the get-go, weird shit starts happening in Middleburg. On her way to school, Frances, child version of Agent Dana Scully, notices that there are a bunch of dogs on roofs (there is a dog actor in EVERY DCOM). Like, a dog on top of every roof in her neighborhood and no one knows how they got there. Then, at school, someone drops like 500 cartons of eggs on her teacher's open convertible. In addition, she makes friends with a black kid, Larry, who she has yet to realize is imaginary. He’s wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses, kinda looks like some Tyler the Creator outfit inspo.

Odd pranks continue throughout Middleburg including a jello swimming pool (barf), alarm clock mix up (eh, okay), graffiti (typical), town power outage (uh-oh), christmas light display (so much effort) and a planted secret [photo]. So far, this movie is riddled with weird angles and slimey boogey person hand shots.

The town begins to suspect mass hypnosis as the culprit, then begins to question Frances. Her parents worry they made the wrong decision in letting Frances skip a grade and she is having a mental breakdown. Frances foolishly tries to explain her imaginary friend, Larry to the adults but since they cannot see him, they question her sanity, as are we. This girl may be legit crazy. JK Mental illness is no joke #TalkAboutIt.

Larry continues to be an extremely animated character, appearing in a cowboy outfit, karate outfit, any really any little boy's halloween costume ideas. Speaking of Darwin, we find out Francis is torn apart inside because when her little brother had cancer, she wasn't able to donate her bone marrow and it's really tearin' her up inside.

BOO! John pops in to give us a real startle and shakes things up a bit and we “snap back to reality” but after dancing like a weirdo all over the place, he retreats back to his room and we get back to pressing business.

Desperate Frances stomps off to find Larry. He's playing basketball in a park, and then climbs on monkey bars, like a monkey. It's all very racially unsettling.

But Larry knows that the town "prankster" is actually a boogeyman trying to frame Frances, so he takes her to a library to check out a dusty 'ol boogeybook (Disney’s favorite prop) so they can defeat a boogeyman with special boogeydefenses. In the library, we find out that toddlers can also see Larry since they are innocent and imaginative children who have yet to be jaded by the harsh cruel world. Basically like in The Polar Express when only children can hear the bell. Anyways, Frances is having a hard time believing Larry since she tried to prove everything through logic (again, child Agent Dana Scully) but is growing desperate and checks out the boogeybook from the library.

Eventually, we find out that Larry is Darwin’s former imaginary friend but because of his medical crisis, Frances convinced him to stop believing. What? I don't know just accept it and move on. Then...dun dun dun...during her boogeyresearch, Frances finds out that an imaginary friend will turn into a boogeyman when the human stops believing too soon. Uh-oh, can you guess what that means? Larry is turning into a boogeyman!

Larry cooks up some boogeyjuice to lure the boogeyman who's been taunting the town. In addition, Larry loves the taste of the boogeyjuice, signalling his transformation into boogeyman. Next thing we know, Darwin is scooped up by the boogeyman and taken into the boogeyworld that exists under Frances’ bed. There we go! The connection to the title. Also, this is the exact plot of Stranger Things.

At this point, Lindsay beckons John back into the living room to tell the story of his friend’s step-dad, also named Darwin, who toasts a whole loaf's worth of bread slices, then puts it back into the bag to eat during the week. PRE-MADE TOAST?! That’s fucking creepy. Toast takes two seconds to make.

Halfway-to-boogeyman Larry dives into the boogeyworld to defeat the other, more evil boogeyman and save Darwin. Frances refuses to stay behind, sparking more emotions because of the whole bone marrow plot. It's really too much.

Lindsay: I have so many boogies in my nose all the time

Hannah: All the time.

Lindsay: All the time!

Hannah: All the time.

Lindsay: I have boogies in my nose now, I should just pick them now.

Hannah: Pick. Them. Now. Girl.

They find the boogeyman dragging Darwin in a sack. While trying to attack the boogeyman, Larry’s vacuum boogeypack unplugs and won’t work! The boogeyman verrrrrrrrry slooooooooowly hovers over towards Frances but things happen and Larry is back in action and defeats him. The boogeyman turns into an old lady and then a young girl, Benjamin Button style.

Surprise! The boogeyman is a girl! She’s a boogeyperson! And she wants everyone to know it, correcting everyone when they say boogeyman. Thanks Disney for equality! Gender is a social construct.

It is now confusingly revealed that the boogeyman is Frances’ old imaginary friend from when she was younger. They hold each other longingly until Larry and new imaginary friend decide to set off on an adventure to defeat more boogeypersons in other towns! But wait, it’s not over yet. Just as we suspected. Larry does have a crush on Frances. He gives her a rather long kiss before marching off. This is Disney’s first official kiss and it’s interracial. Makes up for the racist undertones earlier? Not so sure.

So there you have it, Disney’s second and final try at a horror film.

"I couldn’t tell me the moral of this if you paid me $1,000. Over even $2,000, maybe $3,000” - Hannah

Johnny Avalanche

Setting: Hannah’s new living room with hot wine. We're full of mango curry we just ate. Micaela is tired and hanging out but not participating. Instead she is a reading a book about witches from Hannah's coffee table.

Without much investigation or planning, we stumble into Johnny Tsunami for our next DCOM. Unfortunately, this movie has to follow the truly stellar Zenon. We have mediocre hopes because it's directed by a former stunt performer. We recap in Hannah’s room while she gets ready for a tinder date Lindsay pressured her to go on.

The movie opens in sunny Hawaii at a youth surf competition.

Lindsay declares "I think I might need to go to Hawaii for some indoor wicker furniture."

Our main star, Johnny Kapahala (GOOD name), surfs through an extreme wave tunnel and comes out triumphant, even though the ocean is a terrifying place, and wins the competition. His grandfather, Johnny Tsunami, is a Hawaiian surfing legend and is there to cheer him on, but his actual father is nowhere to be seen. When Johnny gets home, his father apologizes for missing the competition because he was working, but tries to show his Johnny the computer program he was working on. Awh! Father son moment! He's working on a program that tells you how much money different occupations make (Google?) As an example, he shows Johnny that professional surfers only make $27,000 a year and lectures him about working towards a different career to support his future family. Father son moment hijacked! Also, seems like $27,000 isn't that bad for living in Hawaii in the 1990s.

Sidenote: Grandpa Tsunami looks young. Like remarkably young. Like he could be 50 years old? We come to the conclusion that we're just used to seeing white people who age horribly, even though we're the ones who try the hardest to stay young. Related: This is the first non-white protagonist we've seen!

Hannah: White people age horribly. So bad.

Lindsay: So bad.

Hannah: So bad!

Lindsay: Really bad. And I feel like we're the people that try the hardest to not age the most.

Hannah: Because we need to try harder because we're bad at it.

One time Lindsay went surfing while visiting her sister but didn't have a wetsuit so she had to borrow one from her brother-in-law's friend. It was way too big and got filled with water, making Lindsay look like the Michelin man. Tragically, there aren't any photos.

Anyway, Johnny's parents announce to him that they are moving from the home he loves in Hawaii to the freezing and snowy Vermont. VERMONT. That's insanely far away from Hawaii, both literally and metaphorically. These parents really sprung it on him the week before.

Johnny gets to/has to attend a fancy-ass Vermont private school because that's where his dad works now. He quickly makes friends/develops a crush on a cute blonde lass named Emily who is played by the same girl who played ZENON. What! This is a downgrade! She went from playing a badass heroine who saves her space station to a meek private schoolgirl who is okay at skiing.

Oh yeah, everyone at their school skis! Unlike the garbage public school kids, who snowboard. No joke, there's a huge rivalry between the skiiers and snowboarders, which makes no sense since both are very similar snow sports that require a lot of equipment and access. Vermont sounds horrible. Do you think Bernie Sanders saw this movie? He probably did and got angry about the class differences.

Cool Kid Johnny, who wears a Hawaiian shirt under his school uniform like a fucking badass and makes friends with a public school kid! This kid is played by Lee Thompson Young who unfortunately committed suicide a few years ago! Actually very sad. Oh god.

On a lighter note, we have some thoughts on the name Johnny.

Hannah: There has literally never been a Johnny that wasn’t cool. Someone should write an essay about this. What is the root.

Lindsay: You are the only person in an essay writing setting like school so you should.

Hannah: I don't mean me I just mean someone in the world.

Lindsay: One time on your roof last year the name Johnny came up because we were taking a picture against a brick wall.

Hannah: Because if you’re standing against a brick wall your name in Johnny.

Lindsay: Yea include that in your essay.

Hannah: Johnny Kapahala's got game just like every Johnny ever.

Hannah's still trying to figure out what to wear. Lindsay offers the literal shirt off her back because it's all she has to offer. But, Hannah needs to acquire a long sleeved mesh shirt for future dates but more importantly daily life. Need to channel Lily Tomlin from Grace and Frankie.

Sam and Johnny’s friendship blossoms over snowboard sessions. Johnny even meets Sam’s dad, a military man and the reason Sam moves around so much. Meanwhile, relations between Johnny and Zenon falter because she just doesn’t get him, “Why do you snowboard?” Plus her dad is the headmaster of their snooty private school. Related: Why do all headmasters have a transatlantic accent?

Plot twist!! During a snowboard sesh, Zenon shows up and all three of them hit the slopes! The next unnecessary ten minutes include Zenon falling off a cliff and hanging on for her dear life. Sam jumps down to unhook her snowboard, then he too ends up hanging off a cliff. Johnny Zips down the hill to get some help. Then, Johnny and a ski patrol person pulling the two teens up over the ledge. The whole school is in an uproar over this event and hates snowboarders and Johnny even more than they already do.

The two outcasts, Johnny and Sam, decide to leave shitty Vermont and live with the cool/young grandfather in Hawaii. These boys somehow were able to afford this $1,368 flight (based off of a Google search, not adjusted for inflation). Once in Hawaii, Johnny blows off his local friends for Sam so he can help teach him how to surf. The boys have a great time but of course their hearts lie with their immediate parents and they travel back to chilly Vermont. One flight might've been possible but TWO flights each between Vermont and Hawaii?? Pure fantasy.

Joke’s on Dad Kapahala because spunky grandfather travelled back with them! We're really into this Grandpa.

Hannah: Acceptable sugar daddies: Jeff Bridges, Harrison Ford, Smokey Robinson. We didn’t even say that earlier I just added it. Obsessed with this grandpa.

Lindsay: OBSESSED! Suga Daddayy!

Back on the slopes, Johnny and grandfather are taunted by the academy kids, “who’s the freak?” Prompting the grandfather to challenge the main bully to a competition for something called a Johnny Tsunami Medal (which was literally never mentioned until now) and general acceptance of snowboarding and the associated lower class on the slopes. We have decided this movie is about classism and segregation. Even though the two classes are just Very wealthy and Regular Wealthy.

Anyways, the snowboarders win! Dad Kapahala has turned slightly more human by accepting his surfing father, encouraging his son instead of demoralizing him, and throwing an impromptu Hawaiian themed victory party in their backyard. Reminder, it is very cold in Vermont.

Concluding thoughts: We wanted to like this movie but it kinda made no sense. Why would they go back to vermont? Are snowboarding and surfing really related at all? Why do teens in movies bully old people? Where did Zenon go?? WHY is this movie named after the grandpa and not the protagonist??? Skis are just snowboards cut in half.

In fairness, this movie ends with "The Way" by Fastball, which is a true jam.

3/10. Borderline fine. Both the movie and the date.

Zenon: Pigtails of the 21st Century

The setting: Lindsay's couch. Tater tots! Wine! Pickled peppers? Chocolate chip cookies! Our sweet friend Micaela aka Micky C! John also pops in sometimes.

This week's movie is Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century and it's really truly possibly one of the best movies of all time! It might even deserve a Pulitzer? Just kidding. Kind of. Did you know this movie was based on a book? Add it to your reading list immediately like we did.

We meet teenaged Zenon as she's running through the halls of her spaceship home because she's late for school! When she gets to class, she sits down next to her BFF Nebula aka tiny Raven Symone, and their hologram teacher is comparing U.S president Clinton to her father. Yes, in this movie, Chelsea Clinton is president on planet earth.

Basically, Zenon and her parents and everyone they know lives on this giant spaceship somewhere in outerspace. They were originally from earth and most of the children have very little memory of their birthplace. They have their own community, schools, insane fashion trends, slang, etc. There are a lot of logistical (and ethical?) questions that could be asked of this situation but it's better to not worry about it.

Hannah: Is there any difference between this movie and Star Wars?

Lindsay: Yes.

Hannah: Prove it. Name one.

Lindsay: Oh. I guess not…

Right off the bat, we decide that Zenon is such a Samantha because she's sassy and brassy and gets what she wants! Plus she has blonde bangs. She's the most rebellious of her friend group and is always scheming! At one point she decides to go out into space, in a suit tethered to the ship so she could watch some Aurora Borealis shit or something. But she gets caught and her parents are furious. They're like "What if the tether broke while you were out there" and she's like "Shut up dad I'm 13 I can handle myself!" *Die Young by Kesha plays*

But her parents beg her to play by the rules and to "keep her gang in line" because a rich man named Wyndum is visiting and will decide whether to invest money into the space station or to let it go to shit. He looks like a large-nostriled William Shatner and is accompanied by a little rat-faced assistant. The livelihood of everyone on the ship depends on Zenon's behavior! Uh oh. At one point, smooth talking Zenon has a run-in with Wyndum tries to stress the important work the ship does. Wyndum is impressed by her persuasive speaking skills and says "Wow you're good! You should work in PR!" which once again prove that she is a Samantha.

But she's got other things on her mind, like Proto Zoa, the dreamy rockstar who just announced his first ever concert in outer space! He's hosting a contest for one lucky fan to dance with him on stage and Zenon is determined to win! She's tryna get that D. Just kidding, she's 13. But she is trying to touch his spiky hair.

This resourceful gal makes a lot of her own unique clothes by dumpster diving through space dumpsters, which just has a lot of cool leather fabric and metallic shit. Think about actual 13 year olds who dumpster dive though. They're like those rat people that start wearing Drug Rugs way too early. (Note: Any age is too early to start wearing a drug rug because they should never be worn). Not Zenon though! She's looking for scraps of fabric to make a (terrifying) doll replica of Proto Zoa!

One night, as she's crawling out of the trash chute, Zenon notices Wyndum's rat-faced assistant acting sketchy and wandering the halls alone at night, which apparently no one ever does. He goes into a classified computer room but then drops his memory disc like an idiot. No one believes her when she tries to explain that this man is evil and brush her off as a silly little teenaged girl. Always a mistake. Teenaged girls are always right. She's mad because "everyone's getting all gascious on me!"

Hannah: What do you call it when Muhammad Ali goes into space?

Lindsay: Skyhammad Ali?

Hannah: Gascious Clay.

When she saw Rat Face sneaking into the classified area, she memorized the code he entered and tries to get in herself. But she fucks up and the alarm goes off and wakes everyone up. This is why we need to teach girls to code! Or something. Everyone is angry at Zenon, including her parents who wear stress helmets aka a replacement for cigarettes. In fact her parents are so worried about their daughter wreaking havoc in space that they send her to stay with her aunt on earth! Disappointment major. But before she leaves, Nebula gives Zenon an earring she found from scavenging in the dumpster. Little do either of them know, however, that the earring is Rat Face's lost memory disc! Dun dun.

Zenon arrives on planet Earth, on the same plane as the villains. As they see her off, Rat Face notices the earring/memory disc and proceeds to chase this young girl for the rest of the movie. Earth isn’t too bad, though! Her aunt is chill as fuck and is basically Phoebe from "Friends." She’s a bit of a spinster, which makes no sense because she’s pretty and blonde and has a nice house, but what’s a teen movie without a quirky aunt! (Quirky and unmarried are synonymous, don't ya know?)

Young Samantha quickly attracts the attention of a 'lil earth sweetie named Greg. He saves her from drowning in the pool during gym class because she doesn’t know how to swim in earth’s gravity water. But she claims she swims really well in space. What? Why/how do they have a swimming pool in space? Anyways, Greg takes Zenon on a date to the horse stables he works and together they romantically glam up a horse (brush it’s hurr) and take it on a ride together. It’s more romantic than any date we will ever be on in our lives.

As they're leaving the stable, the young couple gets caught in a thunderstorm and Zenon sees rain for the very first time! They attempt a romantic rain kiss but it's interrupted when her leading her prehistoric iPad rings. Later, they go on another date where she tries onion rings and chicken tenders for the first time and freaks the fuck out. We've lived on earth our whole lives and still freak the fuck out when presented with onion rings!

During a video call with Nebula, Zenon finds out the space station is in disaster major because Wyndum wants to blow it up and get insurance money (is that even how insurance works). Rat Face has a confrontation with Zenon and gets the earring back, but this bitch is a schemer! She gives him a fake disc she made from holographic nail polish like a goddamn hero. With the help of her new Earth friends, Zenon tries to sneak back to the space station. She runs away from her aunt's house, steals a VW Beetle with her friends , and blow past a parking guard to sneak into a Prota Zoa press conference. Zenon hunts down Prota Zoa and persuades him to let her on his ship as he's en route to the space concert. Our girl is going back to space! Of course he said yes, she’s so daring and manipulative! He's the Smith to her Samantha. RIP Greg.

Evil Wyndam and Rat Face find out she’s on the ship and also board. So now the space station is set to blow up with all of them on it! Zenon might just be the only one who can save them all as the meltdown begins, because she's the only genius among this group of adult astronauts. There's a dramatic scene with a clock ticking down and alarms going off and Zenon desperately trying to enter a correct password, only succeeding at the last possible second. TEEN GIRLS RULE ALL.

Some other stuff happens, like the villains getting arrested (space law?) and the aunt falls in love with the mayor of the space station, who wears a purple suit and has the same body type as Chris Christie. Most importantly though, ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM! Proto Zoa gives the very first space concert and makes all our hearts go BOOM BOOM BOOM. Just kidding, he looks like Ryan Lochte, who looks like Jay Manuel, who Hannah's mom once said looks like Guy Fieri. And because Zenon is not only a sassy genius/hero, but also a great and thoughtful friend, she gives up her on-stage dance to Nebula. If that doesn't scream BFF than nothing does.

Moral of the story: Teenagers are right and parents are wrong? Don't colonize space? Trust your instincts? Wear pigtails.

Zenon Vocab Index:

-Zetus Lapetus

-Bummer Major

-Scrub this mission

-Lunarius

-Gascious

-Sweat minor